The Bachelorette, Season 9: An Analysis

Honestly yall, what would we do with our Monday nights if it weren’t for Chris Harrison and his entourage of impeccably-groomed, fame-whoring, desperately-single reality TV stars?

chris harrison

He’s like the lovable uncle you never had.

A couple years ago, on my old blog, I did a pop-psychology analysis on each of that year’s Bachelorette contestants (and the lady du jour, herself, of course!). I plan to do the same this year once a few more gents have headed home.  In the meantime, I can help but share some of my observations on the drama that’s been happening the past couple weeks.  (Because I was enjoying Chevy’s happy hour on Monday and missed Episode 5 In effort to prevent spoilers for those of you who may not be all the way caught up on this season, I’ll be sticking to Episode 4 in this post.)

Here you are: My snarkiest comments and my sincerest praises, in relatively chronological order in accordance with the events of Episode 4.

General Updates:

bryden- before

Before- A wee caterpillar who has not yet realized his potential.

bryden - after

After- A straight up studmuffing. (And the candlelight doesn’t hurt, either.)

  • Starting off on a positive note, how happy are we that Briden’s hair is impoving?! The first three episodes he was rocking a Spock-style hair-helmet (and by “rocking,” I mean not), but here in E4 he decided to get edgy and moved it to the side. It was about time, too- homeboy is handsome, and it was a cryin’ shame to see him as a victim of Vulcan-hair.
  • Also positive- The Diabetic (also known as Michael, the attorney with quasi-Fabio-hair and Ben’s biggest frenemy) hasn’t gone into insulin shock yet!  He just gets so agitated about Ben’s myriad moral and personal failures, and I worry that he may forget to take his injections and end up with some serious hyperglycemic issues.
bad hair

Looks like SOMEONE forgot to take their insulin (and/or Zanax) today…

  • Anyone else wonder what the guys actually do when they’re not on camera? Sure, it must take plenty of hours to maintain their abs and their bronze glows, but even that can’t take up all of their off-camera time.  Do they hang out playing Uno and drinking chocolate milk in the living room?  Have pushup contests?  Prank-calling Chris Harrison? Help each other wax their chests? The possibilities are both endless and disturbing.
JUAN PABLO, MIKEY T., BROOKS, CHRIS, BEN

“Bro, thank you SO MUCH for manscaping everything for me yesterday. I would NOT have the confidence to rock this speedo if it weren’t for your help.”

  • I just want to know why anyone on the show is acting like they’re actually excited about being in Atlantic City.  Come on, yall, Atlantic City is the armpit of the East Coast- no one gets excited about that.
  • Des mentions, “I want a love that can light up the dark.”  That’s  called a floodlight, dear. They sell them at WalMart.

Brad’s Date

  •  Can we just talk about how many health codes were violated in the taffy factory? I don’t care how twitterpated you’re feeling, you can’t just endanger the public safety like that!
  • Desiree says that Brad “is more in his element” when he’s in Atlantic City.  Honey Boo Boo, if that’s true, it means two things: Snooki is his spirit-animal, and you need to run.
  • Dinner was the most awkward thing ever.  I could feel my ovaries recoiling just from the stress of witnessing such awkwardness.  Brad couldn’t have actually believed he was going to get a rose.
  • The tears, oh, the tears.  Brad, honey, I’m gonna give you two Kleenexes, one shot of whiskey, and 60 seconds to pull yourself together. Come on princess, the broad ain’t worth your tears.
bye bye brad

“I promised myself I wouldn’t cry! I mean, it’s fine, I’ll be ok. I promised….Does anybody have a kleenex? And some chocolate?”

Group Date

  • Christopher the pageant coach. Sweet Moses. That man is so fabulous, I want him to come coach me, on life and fabulousness and walking seductively.  Hey producers, can we prettyprettyplease make him a permanent part of The Bachelorette??
  • Drew says, I kid you not, “It’s a devil’s brigade up there, I tell you what.  It’s a hodge podge of tom foolery.” Good grief, would you look at that vocabulary! I love me a man who knows his way around a thesaurus.  (He also refers to the swimsuit portion of the competition, saying “The last thing I want to do is walk across stage in a mankini…you know, a banana hammock.” Take a moment to appreciate that honesty and eloquence.) Please marry me and whisper sweet idioms in my ear every night…but then again, you have better hair than me and I’m just not willing to put myself through that kind of emotional suffering.
  • Men in speedos.
speedo

Brooks debuted an Amish spin on the classic European mankini.

  • [Taking a break to call my therapist for an emergency house-call due to the trauma of men gyrating in speedos.]
  • They crowned the winner based on who brought the best package to stage.  (Thank you, just had to indulge my 12-year-old-boy sense of humor for a moment.)
  • Chris reads his own poem to Desiree while sitting in the pool mere yards away from the rest of the group.  First of all, who recites poetry in a man-made body of water with the Wolf Pack right there? This is weird, and I’m not even the one wearing a wet bikini as I listen to a limerick written about me.  Why is Chris so serious? Why did he think it was appropriate to write a poem about a woman who is virtually a stranger? Why did he decide to read the poem while they were sitting in the pool?? I’m betting it would have sounded just as mediocre on land.
  • I just want it to be known that upon seeing a close shot of the guys and Desiree in the pool, my mother asked if they were all in the bathtub.  Cultural differences can be so hard to bridge…

James’ Date

  • My selfish reaction: Why are we taking a heli-tour of the storm wreckage? I watch reality television for personal amusement and pop-culture relevance- this makes me feel like I need a Prozac (with a fireball whiskey chaser).
  • James’ thought process during the helicopter ride: “How long do we have to stay up here? This headset is going to ruin my hair, dude. Hmmm, I wonder…If I pretend to be choked up, will she see that as a turn on?”
  • James thought process when the elderly couple appeared: “Why didn’t anyone else have to visit the geriatric care center on their one-on-one date?  Wait, the old people are coming with us? This better be worth it.  If I don’t get to cop a feel by the end of tonight, I’m leaving.”
bathtub boy

“This is so much better than a helicopter.
…I hope I’m not getting bubbles in my hair…
I need more of these strawberries. Come to papa…”

  • Referring to the end of the date and particularly when they were dancing, James comments, “I could feel my love just growing.” I don’t want to get into an anatomy lesson, buddy, but that thing you feel growing isn’t called “love.”

Rose Ceremony

  • Cheers to Bryden for being honest about how he’s not crazy about Desiree! (Also, props for further hair improvement.  You’ll go far, my friend.) I mean sure, it’s kind of crazy, since she’s such a catch…but if you really don’t go for girls who are vacuous, desperate, and making out with 13 other men, then that’s great. You do you, hombre.
  • Does Mikey rub Rogaine on his face every night? Or are his testosterone levels just so high that he has a constant five o’clock shadow no matter what?  His offspring will probably pop out of the womb with full mustaches (daughters included).
  • I was sad to see the Barry Manilow look alike leave, if only because I had hoped for a musical performance at some point in the season.
zach k

Like a younger, better looking, less musical Barry Manilow. With significantly fewer highlights.

  • Is anyone else concerned about the health ramifications of Des making out with all the guys? I mean, what’s the STD count so far this season?  It may not be only roses that are being passed around…
  • Des tells the Wolf Pack they’re going to Germany, where there will be “lots of sausages and beer.”  She makes it sound like Oktoberfest meets Pride Week…Although when you think about it, that’s actually a great premise for a spinoff…
sausage

This can replace the televised-orgy currently known as Bachelor Pad!

Alright, folks, time to hear from the peanut gallery.  What did you love/hate about Atlantic City and all the tom foolery that went down?  Since Bryden’s taken care of his hair, who’s next in the makeover department?  Are we fans of Des, or are we just tolerating her for the sake of the show?  Do you agree with her choice of men so far?

And lastly, if more commentaries on The Chris Harrison Show The Bachelorette, Season 9 were to appear on the blog, would you consider that a good (i.e. readable) thing?

Toast of the Day: Cheers to drinking wine at 4pm! (Not that I know about that from experience.)

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