Beers and Tears- The WolfPack Goes to Germany (Bachelorette Episode 5, Part 1)

Let’s dive right into the sausage-fest that was Episode 5 of The Bachelorette, Season 9. Things got a little strange this week, so we’ve got quite a bit to discuss.

Chris’ Date

  • Alternate title for Chris’ date: “The Day Bryden Came to His Senses.”
  • In all honesty, I was kind of a teeny weeny bit hoping that Bryden was finally coming to terms with the fact that he was not interested in Des because he had fallen in love with Juan Pablo over the past five weeks.  Who could even blame him?
juan pablo

I’m not the kind of broad to go for blonde guys…But for you, Juan Pablo, I’ll make an exception.

bitch please

Finally, Mr. President, something we can agree on!

  • Why was Des upset that Bryden waited until they were in Germany to make the decision to leave? Biiitch, please. It ain’t like you paid for his plane ticket! (Plus, was she not the one who asked him to stay last week when he told her his hesitations?)
  • Doesn’t everyone love dancing in the town square…? Was I the only one that thought this was weird? Also, they totally copied this.
  • Sidebar here…that clip up there reminds me of the goodness and truth of this handy little diagram.  I know I’m not the only one that finds such precise calculations to be frighteningly accurate.

single lady

  • Why does Chris love talking about feelings so much? His feelings, Des’ feelings, Chris Harrison’s feelings…homeboy’s just one more heart-to-heart talk away from getting his tubes tied.

  • Chris says Des is intelligent and witty.  This is strange, because I don’t recall him sustaining a brain injury…?
  • Serious moment: Des tells Chris he’s “a real man” (see here at 22:00).  This is absurd in the face of what just happened.  Bryden had the ‘nads to make his own choice and leave the show without waiting for Des to send him home and effectively make that choice for him. In the petri dish of desperate man-boys that is The Bachelorette, Bryden stands out as one of the few who might be both sane and un-neutered.  I’ll drink to that!
  • PS, Bryden- thanks to your display of manliness (and noteworthy hair improvements) this can be your swan song. Godspeed, friend. (PPS, I’m single?)

Group Date

  • Matching snoveralls would have been prudent.  What’s that, you haven’t heard of snoveralls? They’re only the (ugly) lovechild of snow suits and overalls, the product of a 90’s era cultural obsession with snow sport.  See here:

Snoveralls are exciting. Clearly. Or maybe depressing, depending on what she’s doing with that scarf.


  • The yodeler is precious.  I like him. Do we know if he is available for parties and events? (Also, Des remarked that she loved seeing the guys “embracing the culture” when the WolfPack attempted yodeling.  Actually, honeybooboo, they’re mocking that sweet old man.  But way to look at the positive!)
  • Des says that the group date “reminds me of my childhood.” Really, Des? You grew up in a lady-harem?  That’s cool.
  • When the group came up the hill after sledding and saw the snow mound with wooden doors, I was praying that a multitude of singing strippers would burst out (and simultaneously burst into song) wearing snowflake-inspired neoprene-bodysuits.  Don’t lie, you know that would have really made the group date.
snow dancers

These folks are on the right track…

polar bears

I’d even settle for this.

  • Let’s talk about how Brooks actually said, “I need to reassure her [Des] of where I am in my emotional process.” I’m pretty sure he was being serious, too.  Come on, Brooks, do you really think this show is about anyone’s emotional process, let alone yours? We all know it’s 80% hormones and tonsil-hockey, and 20% camera angles.  On the bright side, you and Oprah could probably be BFFs if you could find a way to get Gayle out of the picture?
mikeys future family

This is probably what Mikey was envisioning for their future family…

  • Mikey gushes about his “relationship” with Des, which is apparently going just swimmingly since “we connect everytime we talk.” Well congrats, Mikey- that’s a sure sign that neither of you has Asperger’s.  (Or at least if you do, you’ve on the very high functioning end of the spectrum.)
  • Zak wanted to be a priest when he was in college.  This is naked-man-Zak.  This is the dude who likes drinking his coffee on his balcony while airing out his manparts.  I would have loved to see what Mass was like at his church.  Heck, he could’ve had his own televangelism show- The Naked Priest: no judgement, no shame, and no underwear.
  • Brooks creeping on Desiree and James while they were cuddling in the ice hotel was the best part of everything. Oh Brooks, you just have way to many feelings, don’t you, buddy? He probably would have felt best- you know, in his personal emotional process– if he had just jumped in there and joined them.  I’m sure James would have let him be the big spoon.

To Be Continued….(Next up: “Armageddon” and the Rose Ceremony.)

Friends, I leave you with this.  You’re welcome.

juan pablo before

He has come so far.


Juan Pablo, let me take that sweater for you. You look like you’re getting a bit warm.

Toast of the Day: Juan Pablo, of course.


5 thoughts on “Beers and Tears- The WolfPack Goes to Germany (Bachelorette Episode 5, Part 1)

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