“Armageddon” (The Bachelorette, Season 9: Week 5, Part 2)

Picking up where we left off last week.  If you missed Part 1- Beers and Tears, catch up here!

 

Two-on-One Date: Michael and Ben

  • Let’s have a moment of gratitude for the fact that Michael The Diabetic did not go into insulin shock during the stressful two-on-one date.  However, some of his more aggressive behaviors may be explained by a moderate degree of hypoglycemia as the day wore on.
  • I’m mildly disappointed that the magic of the German mountain views didn’t bring Michael and Ben together in a great, teary, bro-hug-filled moment of reconciliation.
  • Hot-tug. Yes, puhhlease. Someone get mama one of those bad boys, stat. (In the meantime, I’ll be in the bathtub with a bottle of wine.  I’m resourceful like that.)
hot tug

It’s like a floating bathtub. The only thing better would be if Juan Pablo was in there, too.

  • During the hot-tug scene, my father said- and this is a direct quote– “Pretty soon they’re gonna be making a threesome sandwich.”  Trust me, there is nothing right or good or acceptable about hearing the word “threesome” come from your parent’s mouth.
hot tug michael

I felt as awkward as Michael clearly did.

  • In case you were wondering, yes, my father does watch The Bachelorette with me every week.  He is actually the one that reminds me on Mondays that “It’s Bachelorette night!” and complains when I suggest we catch the episode on Hulu later in the week.
  • That scene where Drew and Casey and Brooks and Chris are in the hotel room?  Boys, I have a PSA for you: You are all high school girls.  Seriously.  Take a triple-dose of Midol and pop in a Matthew McConaughey rom-com.
  • Michael’s interrogation of Ben during dinner…yes, that happened.  I thought Des was looking for a lover, not a lawyer.  Either way, now we’re all doubting Michael’s social skills and his abilities as an attorney.  Nothing about that was graceful or commanding or productive.
  • Ben got the boot?! Given all the drama he inspired, I am shocked that the producers let Des send him packing.  At the same time, his leaving was a bit of an unexpected upset, so perhaps they thought that particular drama was worth it.
  • Hey Ben, remember that time you went on and on about being “a good Christian man” and how that’s why you wouldn’t engage when the other guys provoked you? And then Des said, “buh-bye” to your behind, and the producers had to bleep out 80% of what you said from that point on? Now I’m a Christian and I’ve not always had the most pristine vocabulary (and, frankly, I’m still a big supporter of a well-placed F-bomb) but something about your exit speech left me unimpressed.
  • When the concierge came to haul Ben’s bags down to the limo, I was expecting Zak to do a victory strip.  Again, mildly disappointed.  And please, hold your exasperated eye-rolling and sighing.  I may be livin’ la vida bachelorette, but mama still likes some sugar.
zak

“Hey Ben, look who’s still in the running! AND I have better abs than you. Suck it, bro!”

Rose Ceremony

  • Castles. Germany. I just love all of it. Don’t make them leave. Chris Harrison, make something happen.

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high five

“You got him to go to second base already? Hee hee hee….Get it, girrrl!”

  • Also, Chris Harrison…what’s with the kissing interrogation? If you’re really into that, you can just rent Fifty Shades from your local library.  If you must discuss it…in depth…on camera…you should at least offer complimentary STD testing for all the contestants.  It’s only fair.
  • Juan Pablo, I’m such a fan of your face (and your body), but do you even own slacks?  I mean, we can go shopping if you want.
  • Anyone else notice Drew using all his willpower not to snatch Chris’ scarf and use it to strangle James?  Major scary eyes.  Almost enough to negate his linguistic-giftings.  But he has a great complexion, so we’ll give him a pass this time.
  • I called the Mikey thing.  Maybe it had to do with his creepy snowman-family fantasy?  Or the fact that you could hear his biological clock ticking from 300 yards away?
  • “The truth will be heard!” Ok, Drew is on thin ice now with the Patrick Henry complex he’s developing.  Better keep up on your moisturizing, bud, or you’re getting kicked off of the A-List.

And to end on a brilliant note, think about this:

What if Eric Stonestreet subbed for Chris Harrison for an episode?  What if???

fabulous

Can’t even handle it.

It must happen.

Someone start a petition.

Toast of the Day: Cheers to the men who invented air conditioning and automatic ice-makers.  Nothing like a triple-digit heat wave to make a girl grateful for the little things.

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7 thoughts on ““Armageddon” (The Bachelorette, Season 9: Week 5, Part 2)

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