Well, this past week in Barcelona was pretty low-key, don’t yall think? Nothing too crazy.
OH WAIT. No. Barcelona was where fit hit the shan and everyone was crying and Michael was battling hypoglycemic episodes (ok, just guessing about that one) and everyone yelled and nothing was going well because everyone was so confused and angry and they just kept breaking Desiree’s heart. What happened to everyone being so aahhhmazzssing?
I know what happened- it’s called reality TV. Come on, Des, man up!
This is not madness…This is THE BACHELORETTE!!
(Yeah, that doesn’t sound as inspiring, does it?)
Let’s dive into the madness…
- He’s an opportunist. First date alone and he shoves his tongue down her throat. Way to be a go-getter, buddy.
- Des says she’s excited be “He [Drew] is really romantic and passionate about romance.” In the real world, that kind of attitude is interpreted as “desperate.” But, you know, good for them.
- The daddy-issues came out on the first date. In a bakery. There was weeping. Something tells me that isn’t normally the kind of first impression you want to make. On The Bachelorette though, this stuff is golden. Really, Drew just bought himself three more weeks with those tears. (His community college theatre professor must be so proud.)
- …And then Drew kidnapped Des, and they had to change the show from The Bachelorette to a made-for-TV miniseries titled “Single and Taken” starring Liam Neeson and Chris Harrison.
- Nope, scratch that, he just wanted to cop a feel in the alley. Again, in real life, that’s called assault and mama best be pulling out her pepper spray. But there’s a camera crew (and, ok, it seems mostly consensual), so Drew won’t have to face charges.
- Drew asks Des if she wants him to tell her all the grisly details about the sordid conversation he overheard between James and gorilla boy Mikey, and her reply is, “I wanna hear! I always wanna hear.” Translation: “I already bugged your hotel room. PS check out my crazy eyes.”
- Michael and his headbands. Such a trendsetter, that one. I mean, sure, it’s not exactly a trend that anyone is following, but by golly he gives it his best effort!
- Juan Pablo, this is your moment. Go forth and shine, oh ethnic one!
- Can someone please get Brooks a scrunchie?
- “Listen, Girl Scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies!” – Brooks. –> Favorite quote of the season thus far. Doesn’t necessarily make sense, but it’s offbeat and sexist and everything that I love. I can almost half-forgive Brooks for having so many feelings…ok, that’s a stretch. Never mind.
- James clearly is still haunted by a childhood trauma involving soccer balls, orange jerseys, and hordes of foreign women charging him with their chiseled quadriceps. That’s the only way to explain his lack of willingness to block any shots during the game.
- While snuggling on a bed talking about feelings, Des tells Chris she wrote a poem for him. This poetry thing is contagious. It’s like herpes.
- Des reads her poem. Lord help us all.
- Brooks feels “more emotionally involved.” Oh good. Because I was getting worried that he was repressing his feelings.
- The confrontation happens. Egos inflate. Michael has to call a timeout for extra insulin shots and to fix his hair (This is not speculation on my part, it just happened off camera. I swear.), and James drops more F-bombs than a drill sergeant on the first day of boot camp. Kasey makes “accusate” a word. Chris writes a poem about the whole debacle; he’ll be reading it at next week’s rose ceremony. [Cue snaps…]
- Des talks to James and they both end up weeping and talking about how it’s so confusing and so hard and they just really are disappointed. Clearly their menstrual cycles have synced up, that’s why they’re both being so emotional.
- James goes home like a toddler, crying in the back of a minivan.
- Between sobs, Des tells the cameras that “It’s just too much.” Yes, Des. Vacationing in Munich and Barcelona with your own harem is just so hard, is it not? If you’d said this in Atlantic City, I might have had more sympathy. (That was a lie. I would have said the same thing but added a Snooki reference.)
- There’s so much to talk about here, and at the same time there’s nothing at all. It just makes so much sense. Of course Zak found a reason to take his clothes off. He’s always made it clear that he’s the kind who likes to get naked on the first date.
- Am I the only one who appreciates a man who embraces a full-body strength program? Seriously, homeboy has def been doing his squats. (Watch THIS for proof.) Glutes for dayyys…For real.
- At the same time, Zak is a creepy kisser. The whole time they were having dinner in the cave (again, creepy), I was distracted because why does your mouth do that, Zak, why??
The time that James and Drew had a chit-chat while the rest of the guys watch….
- Drew must have high blood pressure from all this stress. Honestly, the producers need to hire a cardiologist to be part of the crew.
- Scary eyes, Drew. Totally, insanely, terrifyingly scary eyes. This is a symptom of your pathological obsession with James. Not healthy.
- On that note, they could probably use a psychologist on staff for the cast and crew. And I will neither confirm nor deny that my father explicitly said he would accept such a job in a heartbeat if offered.
- When James is explaining himself to Drew, his voice surprisingly even and low and has an oddly soothing effect. He would be a great therapist and/or serial killer.
- “This is not a normal situation, Drew!” Thank you for clarifying James. And Drew, it makes me a little bit worried that James has to point that out to you.
- Michael just can’t believe that anyone would be as “evil and sinister as James.” Really, Michael? If you’re sure about that, let me set up a playdate for you and Kim Jong Il.
- Has anyone else noticed how Kasey and Zac Efron could totally pass as cousins? I think it has something to do with their constant nostril-flaring and affinity for hair-product abuse.
- This group of guys is particularly crazy. They are all sooo upset that James would dare consider life outside of the show. I mean, God forbid anyone actually admit that they will continue to exist and function after the show ends, let alone that they might not be the one that “wins” and gets to drag Des back to his cave propose to Des. This is my official statement: I am Team James.
- All that said, I’m glad James was kicked off. Otherwise Drew would have ended up stabbing him in the night with Michael’s insulin needles. Which would have been both cruel, hygienically irresponsible, and tedious.
- #noroseforkasey (#weallsawthatonecoming #hastalavistahombre)
- […moment of silence for Juan Pablo’s leaving…]
That’s all I’ve got for yall! Tell me, am I way off base with my conspiracy theory? Any predictions for the topic of Chris’ next poem?
Toast of the Day: Cheers to crash diets and holiday-weekend-recovery. Carrot juice, anyone?