Hometown Dates

Who doesn’t love Hometown Week?  Answer: No one, because the hometown dates are a hoot!  The family drama, the overeager parents, the skeptical siblings, the weird home décor, the awkward dynamics, the last-ditch professions of love…there’s so much to love.  The only thing better is the fabulously dramatic and catfight-filled “The Men Tell All” episode.  Alas, we must wait until Monday night to witness that splendor.  In the meantime, let’s review the hometown dates.

[Warning: No photos in this post.  So much snarkiness, I just couldn’t fit them in. Enjoy.]

Des Meets Zak’s Family

  • What’s with the snow cone truck? First of all, why can’t you just have a normal ice cream truck? Second, who has a family snow cone truck?  (Unless you father is an ex-con, in which case a snow cone truck might be his best bet for a steady income, so long as he wasn’t in for pedo charges.  That 50 feet statute would make business difficult.)
  • “There are all these kids…I just want to throw snow cones at them.” Nice to know Des has strong maternal instincts.
  • Cool penguin costume, bro.
  • Anyone else find Zak’s family’s wall-art…interesting?  It looks like they hung up an entire school district’s worth of kindergarten art projects with fancy frames.
  • Zak’s brother is cute (and doesn’t have Zak’s weird cheeks).  Let’s talk about that.
  • Overenthusiastic family…this does not bode well for Zak, since Des is not matching their level of enthusiasm.
  • And they sing, too! It’s a full blown variety show up in here.  Don’t worry Des, I cried, too.  Except I was weeping tears of sadness and sympathetic humiliation.
  • Verdict:  Awkward quasi-proposals are never good, and this one came on the tail of a generally lackluster hometown date.  Zak, my friend, I have a feeling we won’t be seeing much more of you.

Des Meets Drew’s Family

  • Drew and Des are just so excited to be reunited that they’re frantically licking each other, like puppies.  It would be cute if it wasn’t nauseating.
  • Drew is just so smiley and happy when there are no other guys around.  I like Happy Drew.  We want Happy Drew to be here all the time!
  • Melissa: heartbreaking.
  • I was expecting all of Drew’s family members to be Abercrombie-model gorgeous like Drew.  I was surprised, and that’s all I can say without feeling like a big fat meanie.  If it helps, I’m sure people have had the same reaction to my family when my genetically-gifted siblings have introduced us to their friends.
  • “Do you believe in angels? Have you ever met an angel??” Well, Mr. Drew’s Dad, that’s one way to start a conversation.
  • Verdict: Drew seems at ease and completely infatuated, we had a touching father-son moment, and no family members tried to sing to Des. Drew’s going to be a final contender, for sure.

Des Gets Horizontal with Chris’ Dad Meets Chris’ Family.

  • The whole baseball thing is just so presh.  And by “presh” I mean precious, but not in a bad way.  I mean presh in a makes-you-wanna-barf way, just like using abbrevs (or “abbreviations” as we civilized folks are wont to say) makes you want to barf….or maybe that’s just me.
  • Now that we got that out of the way, Des does seem to be more comfortable and natural around Chris than any of the other gents.  Unfortunately, “natural” still includes ditzy, slow-witted, and the use of a slightly-lispy baby-voice.  But don’t worry, she’s still ahhmAAsszing.
  • More artwork. Yay.
  • This time Des is the one who drew with crayons and tried to pass it off as a romantic gesture. Double yay.
  • Again, surprised by a family that is surprisingly dissimilar to Chris in terms of good looks.
  • To Chris’ dad: Way to get the girl in the basement within an hour of meeting her.  Not only that, you got her to let you give her a rub down.  That is what I call ambition.
  • What the eff happened with Chris’ nose? Seriously, Chris, what is your dad doing to you? Why is he putting little balloons in your nasal cavity?  This cannot be a normal chiropractic procedure.
  • Mama Chris is the epitome of an unenthusiastic mother-in-law (to-be).  Good luck winning that one over, Des.  She’s got the personality of a steamed flounder.
  • Verdict:  In spite of his somewhat-quirky-but-good-intentioned family, Des seems to really like Chris and they get along well, what with their shared love of poetry and matching raglan shirts.  Chris is in it for the long haul (or at least the next couple weeks).

Des Meets Brooks’ Family.

  • …and Brooks’ family happens to include half the population of Utah.  Yeehaw.
  • I was hoping that canoe would overturn.  Does that make me a bad person?
  • I love how having a token Mormon is now a thing on The Bachelorette.  Last season we had Jef-with-one-eff.  Brooks’ hair, while improving with each episode, is still nowhere near the splendor that was Jef’s coiffure.  (Seriously, I’ll bet Jef’s hair was what attracted his first wife. And his second. And his third.)
  • Thought Brooks’ sister (with the long black hair) was his mother.  Oops.  In my defense, they look very similar and he looks significantly younger than she.
  • All of Brooks’ family likes talking about feelings.  So many feelings! I can’t handle it. It’s like Sister Wives meets Dr. Phil.
  • At one point, Brooks tells his mother, “You are my most favorite person in the whole entire world.”  If that’s not a clear indication of an Oedipus complex, I don’t know what is.
  • Verdict:  Brooks will make it through this week, if only because he and Des seem to have rekindled whatever “connection” it is that they have together.  Let’s hope they can come up with some more “adjectives” to last them through the coming days.

Des Talks to Her Estranged Brother.

  • He seems like the backside of a mule.  End of story.
  • Ok, not the end of story.  I want to know why his parole officer didn’t get any camera time.

Rose Ceremony

  • Des gets emotional.  This is not just a television program, yall, this is love we are talking about.  True love! If that’s not serious , I don’t know what is.
  • All the guys are rocking the skinny ties, except Drew, who goes with a bold checkered shirt sans tie.  Drew wins the Best Look of the Evening trophy.  (The trophy is imaginary, in case you’re still trying to wrap your brain around that one.)
  • While homeboy certainly can dress himself well, Drew needs to work on his facial expressions.  Let’s just say papa does not hide tension well, especially in the high-stakes rose ceremony.  He seems to be clenching harder than an altar boy walking down the middle of the San Francisco Pride Parade.
  • My instincts were right.  Oh well, Zak, it was nice seeing your abs getting to know you.
  • Wouldn’t it be nice if all the guys rallied together after the rose ceremony to have a night of chocolate and chick flicks with Zak? I’d bet you that would lift his spirits!
  • Predictions for the future: Brooks goes home due to running out of adjectives and/or interest/compatability/connection/etc.  Chris and Drew are the last men standing.  Chris wins by virtue of a “stronger connection” and greater fertility potential, and Drew becomes the next Bachelor.
  • Alternative ending: Juan Pablo comes back as a wild card and kidnaps Des.  Series turns into a manhunt/rescue mission.  Somehow Hugh Jackman becomes involved (he will, of course, be shirtless at all times).

Anyone else have predictions for who’ll win?  I’d say let’s place some wagers, but I’m too poor for that, so let’s talk about Hugh Jackman instead.

 

Toast of the Day: Here’s to having a family that doesn’t own a snow-cone truck business or basement chiropractic office.  I suddenly feel so normal.

 

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