Was anyone else underwhelmed by last night? I was hoping for something more entertaining, more ridiculous, more melodramatic, but no. It was lackluster, the guys left their personalities at home, and it was just 120 minutes of girl-talk (that’s 120 too many) led by Chris (and Kasey tried to co-pilot. Down, boy! Down!). It was so unimpressive that we- by which I mean my father and I, because nothing says “family fun” like trashy reality TV- turned it off halfway through. Of course, that just meant that I had to finish watching it today, because I am devoted to you, my fans readers, to my craft, and to the socio-cultural trends of the great American nation.
So now, I give you my breakdown of the year’s most-anticipated gathering of desperate bachelors!
- Des talks with past Bachelorettes Emily, Ashley, and Ashley. This is a sad attempt to reignite public interest in the three former Bachelorettes, who are clearly clinging to their status as D-list quasi-celebrities with all the force in their acrylic-manicured fingernails.
- I wasn’t wearing my glasses, but it looked like Emily had a nosejob. Can someone verify this for me?
- We see flashbacks of the Bachelorettes’ experiences with “bad boys.” These flashback-clips all have weird 80’s porno lighting. Not sure I want to think too hard about the subtext there…
- I feel sympathetic giddiness for Chris Harrison. This is his night to shine! By shine, I mean he gets more than three minutes of screen time total.
- Ironically, Chris does not shine. He and all the men seem to have bought stock in Sephora or something, because every one of them looks to be wearing at least four coats of mattifying cream and a good two coats of powder.
- We see Juan Pablo again! Praise the Lord! All is right in the world reality television.
- Juan Pablo is still in jeans, and women are still spontaneously ovulating every time he speaks.
- No one remembers half of the guys. Hardly any of them talk. Why are they here??
- I had $10 on Brandon weeping at some point in the show. Also, was he wearing any pants? I couldn’t tell.
- Again, Juan Pablo. The sight/sound of you makes me happy. Thank you for being a comforting presence during such a volatile evening.
- Des is getting progressively more irritating, especially as we see flashback-clips of her from this season.
- James and Ben bear the brunt of an all-out verbal-assault, fronted by none other than the hashtag-fetishist Kasey. I just don’t get it, yall, I really don’t. Ben was too focused on Des and didn’t play nice enough with the other guys, and James wasn’t committed enough because he acknowledged that life will continue to exist after the filming ended. Oh I get it now!! No. That makes no sense. They all are crazy. I know middle school girls who have a healthier view of relationships. James summed it up perfectly a few minutes later when he told Des, “You’re in a relationship with 25 guys!” Who’s talking commitment now, princess???
- Someone just needed to punch Kasey, or at least pop him in the neck with a blow-dart tranquilizer. For a minute it looked like Mikey might go full angry-gorilla-man on him, but that didn’t pan out. (We did see Bryden stand up in the back row to help break up any potential fight. What a hero. This is why we respect you, Bryden. PS, I’m still single.)
- Best part of the night after Juan Pablo, was Granny in the audience. She was obviously wondering why Regis and Kelly hadn’t come out on stage yet.
- Des tells James that “I need to trust how I feel.” Worst advice ever. On at least a weekly basis, I feel like I should eat an entire box of Oreos. Do I trust that feeling? No, I go put on a bikini and look in the mirror. It’s a freaking miracle because all of a sudden that feeling goes away and common sense comes back and I drag my rear end to the gym (not in the bikini, God forbid).
- ANOTHER SONG, ZAK??! This is getting to be like Chris and his poems.
- On the other hand, maybe with that twang- which, let’s admit it, is better than we expected (this is The Bachelorette…not exactly a talent pool to rival The X-Factor or American Idol)- Zak is gunning for a deal with a country label. In that case, you do you, homeboy. You do you.
- Regarding the blooper reel: Juan Pablo can whisper “yodeler” (and any other English or Spanish words, pronounced correctly or not) in my ears all night long.
- Worst part of “The Men Tell All”: Kasey and Des. Please go get married and be annoying together and leave us alone. But for the love of all humanity, do not, under any circumstances, breed. Ever.
- Best part of “The Men Tell All”: Juan Pablo. Aside from Bryden, this single-dad with the sexy accent is essentially the only sane/normal/reasonable human on the show. Please, producer people, do not make him the next Bachelor or put him on Bachelor Pad! Juan Pablo is a well-chiseled butterfly that deserves to be set free. (Mostly so that he can fly west. To me, because I’m single, I used to be a nanny, and I can say his name with a perfect Spanish accent. Which means we’re soulmates.)
After all that nonsense, there was two minutes worth of “sneak peaks” of the two-part finale that starts next Monday. It involved a lot of tears and swimsuit shots, all set on an island and/or in the ocean. Now, I’m terrible at guessing endings (Seriously, I’m never that person who can call the plot twists in a movie they’re watching for the first time. Every movie ending surprises me; I mean, even the ending of The Notebook surprised me. It’s pathetic.). But for you, I’m going to give it a shot here. My very uneducated guess is that Des gets her heart broken when Brooks chooses their night in the fantasy suite to finally come out, and then again when Drew confesses that he suffers from syphilis- although whether or not this is before they use their fantasy suite key is anyone’s guess- so she ends up with Chris by kind-of-default. Chris proposes with a poem, and they ride off into a feelings-filled sunset of rainbows and codependency.
Sounds pretty accurate, no?
Toast of the Day: Here’s to the caffeine-y goodness of that black gold we all depend on. You don’t know how much you love coffee until you decide to give it up for the sake of nutritional self-experimentation. It’s a miracle I can type this, what with all the withdrawal symptoms. This must be how Lindsay Lohan feels every six months or so when she gets shut up in court-ordered rehab.
Keep your pants on folks (and Brandon)- the next couple weeks are bound to be wild! And of course, I’ll be here writing about it all, so stay tuned…