Trainwreck in Antigua (Bachelorette Finale, Part 1)

[Hey, thanks to everyone who read and/or responded to and/or shared my post about modesty.  I’ve been thinking about it, especially in light of everyone’s comments, and I may have a follow-up post soon.  Stay tuned!]

High hopes, yall.  I had really high hopes for this season’s finale of The Bachelorette.  The way Chris Harrison talked it up during The Big Boy Bitchapalooza Men Tell All, I was expecting a surprise pregnancy, a helicopter crash, and a team of dancing leprechauns, at the very least.  But nope, all we got was an excessive amount of humidity, whining, and feelings.  Chris Harrison, you have breached out trust in a way that may be irreparable.  (Lucky for you, there’s still part two.  You have an opportunity to redeem yourself.)

I should just confess right now that I turned it off about 45 minutes in, when I decided that I would rather go to bed early than watch Brooks and Des weep together for another hour.  The only reason I forced myself to watch the rest on Hulu today was because we’re a team, yall, and I couldn’t let you down. I just couldn’t. Go ahead, call me Rudy.*

  •  Des says she likes Drew because “He makes me feel good.”  Well really, what more do you need out of a partner?
  • Antigua is apparently a hot and humid little hellhole, because everyone is sweating through their stage makeup.  Des’ fifteen layers of waterproof eyeliner are starting to smear.  There are puddles forming in the hollows of Drew’s clavicle.  This is good though, because sweating is something we peons do, and I’ve finally found something relatable in this show.
  • Also, I need to know Drew’s skincare routine.  Homeboy is perfectly bronzed and positively glowing.
  • Drew says Des is his “dream girl.”  Really now? Because your dream girl is sticking her tongue down the throats of two other guys (and that’s just this week).  For most guys, that’s a deal breaker, but you must be one of those “progressive” types.
  • When Des’ dinner with Drew gets rained out, Des says that it will all be ok because “It’s really about the conversation.”  Oh, is it?  I was getting the impression it was just about you snogging everyone.
  • Who’s the camera man that decided to hide in the closet and shoot Des and Drew’s fantasy suite conversation from behind a partially closed door??  It made it all feel so voyeuristic.  They probably hired him off of CraigsList.
  • Des tells Drew that “I want love at the end of this.”  Subtext: “Tonight I just want crazy monkey sex.”
  • I hope for everyone’s sake that they’re putting Des through rigorous STD testing between these fantasy suite dates.
  • Why couldn’t Brooks just call mommy and sissy?  Do they not allow cell phones in Utah?
  • The State Of Brooks’ Hair Address: That ish is starting to improve a bit more.  Still wild, still more Simba than suave, but a little less “jungles of ‘Nam” and more “urban jungle predator.”
  • Thank goodness Brooks has seen the light.  Get out while you still can! Run! Ruuuuun!!!
  • The producers Des gets a helicopter for her date with Chris, and Chris confesses to a fear of heights but insists that he can make it if he has Des by his side.  “I’ll make it through.  I’m a survivor, dammit! …Ok, Des, hold me tight! Love me through this, baby, love me through it.”  Let’s put our big boy panties on, Chris.  You’re taking a chopper over the Caribbean, not swimming up to Omaha.
  • [….aaaaand cue the Burt Lancaster beach makeout scene.]

burt lancaster

  • Chris says “Des makes me feel vibrant, she makes me feel happy, she makes me feel alive…” Subtext: “She makes me feel horny.”
  • I’m not even surprised by Chris’ poems anymore.  Isn’t that sad?  I feel like the parent of a teenager, like I should be saying, “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.
  • About this point, my father commented that Des was going to get “a pig in a poke.” He said it’s a colloquialism and tried to explain it to me, but let’s be honest, there’s no way to back pedal out of that one.
  • During their little Island Sob-Fest 2013, all I could think about was what is going on with Brooks??  He’s slowly abandoning all culturally-acceptable grooming practices. You’re not Earnest Hemingway! Pick up a freaking razor.  Brad Pitt looks good with crazy hair and a week of stubble.  You look clinically depressed.
  • [cue 15 minutes of sighing, pensive staring, soft sobs, etc…]
  • This is how I felt about it:
bored face

I feel nothing.  Like the Joker, but without the clown makeup or sadistic psychopathic tendencies.

  • [cue me turning off the television, throwing back some melatonin, and heading to bed to sleep it all away.]
  • At this point I wanted Brooks to just say, “Deuces, b***h!” and throw Des into the water. Then Chris Harrison swaggers out and high fives him, and they pop open some brewskis.
  • A friend from work texted me around this time asking “when will Brooks just admit that he’s fallen for one of the guys in the house???!”  I don’t know, but for his sake I hope it’s soon.  (I also hope it’s Drew.  Can we talk about how beautiful that commitment ceremony would be??)
  • Brooks, to Des: “The reason I’m having a hard time is, um….”  SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!  Let’s list a few- you’re vapid/boring/vain/self-centered/immature/desperate/crazy/codependent….ok, I’m getting tired.  But you get my point.
  • Des, to Brooks: “It’s ok, I don’t care that you just broke my heart.  I love you.” That, my friends, is the sound of a whoppin’ ton of Crazy being unleashed.
  • “I guess you’re going home then.”  No, Des, he’s going to stay and enjoy a vacation for the next week, maybe grab drinks with the guys.  In fact, the producers are letting him stay in the fantasy suite so save on production costs.
  • [cue more sobbing, more whining, more sweaty desperation.  This is what codependency looks like, folks, and it ain’t pretty.]
  • And then I skipped to the last 90 seconds because I couldn’t take it anymore.  It was like I was a fat kid staring into a bowl of broccoli- I just felt nothing.**

I’m not even sure I care what happens next week.  How has it come to this??? Chris Harrison, I had such hopes!  Part 2 had better been freaking Inception-style mind-blowing it makes me do this:

horrified face

I know. I’m sorry. It’s so close up. I’m so sorry.

If not, I’m boycotting.***

Toast of the Day: Let’s just toast to Part 1 being over.  Oh, and as always, we can drink to Juan Pablo and his….Juan Pablo-ness.  Opa! indeed.

*This is not coincidence- Sean Austin and I have approximately the same body type.  Twinsies! [PS, do not ever Google Image “Sean Austin.”  Apparently that somehow translates to “bare nekkid men on the beach splashing their wingdings around in the waves.” And now my eyeballs have been violated.]

** As a chubby person who has looked into many a bowl of various vegetable, this description is hauntingly accurate.

***That’s a lie, we all know I can’t stay away from this show.  It’s like an abusive boyfriend.  Or chocolate cake.


3 thoughts on “Trainwreck in Antigua (Bachelorette Finale, Part 1)

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