A Woman’s Take on The Wolverine (a very unprofessional movie review)

Some people might ask, “Should I go see The Wolverine? Is it any good?”  Well I have a better question:

Is it ever not worth your money to see Hugh Jackman half-naked and sweaty?

The Wolverine (2012) Hugh Jackman as Wolverine

That’s what I thought.

I paid money (ok, my dad did) to go see Hugh Jackman’s latest incarnation as our favorite adamantiem-filled BAMF (Burly-Armed Mutant Friend).  We are both huge fans of anything X-Men (I grew up watching the old cartoons, and we spent many dinner-table conversations discussing the various merits of our mutant friends and their coveted “characteristics”), and my dad knows I’m a huge fan of anything Hugh Jackman and he offered to pay, so it was a win-win-win.  It should be made very clear that I know little-to-nothing about film, cinema, and TV.  I took one semester of Film Crit in high school, and all I remember about it is giving a presentation the day after injuring my shoulder in the Naked Bathtub Fainting Incident of 2008 (it’s a long story).  Plus- unbelievable though it may seem with my reality TV commentary- I rarely watch movies, simply because it makes me feel unproductive and/or bores me to tears.  And yet, as a fledgling blogger and longtime consumer of American culture, I feel that it is my civic duty to share with the public my reflections on The Wolverine.  You’re welcome (thank you cards and cash gifts can be sent to my agent.)

I’ve done my best to give an accurate reflection of the movie without giving away any major plot twists, but if you’re a weenie about spoilers (“What?? Wolverine has claws?”), go ahead and skip to the end.

Overall, I quite enjoyed the movie.  It was sprinkled with the usual salty humor that is part of Wolverine’s trademark, and the film as a whole was engaging enough to keep me interested till the end, which doesn’t happen often.  Though it was far more violent than I was comfortable with- I’m that girl sitting in the theatre with her hands over her eyes during all the fight scenes- it was pretty well-choreographed and definitely a good chance to watch Hugh flex those biceps…and those traps…and those lats…and those pecs…and those quads…and those abs…and those delts (ohhh the delts! I’m definitely a shoulder girl.).  Lord knows those muscles deserve their own Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.  There were a couple of great plot twists, which doesn’t say much since I’m always surprised by everything, but still.  It was also cool to see Logan’s story fleshed out a bit further, and we got to see some more character development for him, as well.  Also muscle development, but that’s a given.

I was a bit weirded out by a few parts, like the girl who played Yuriko.  She’s a total badass and I definitely want to see more or her storyline in the next movie, but her eyes are just so far apart and her jaw is so tiny and I can’t get over any of it.  And I don’t mean that in a racist way, I mean it in the same way I would say Miley Cyrus’ tooth-to-gum ratio is worse than her latest music video.  (For real though- how do you end up with gums that belong in the mouth of a Clydesdale?)

Also, open heart surgery gets taken to a whole new level.  Definitely had to close my eyes and cover my ears for that one.  (If you’re squeamish, too, I also suggest closing your eyes during the bar scene at the beginning of the film.  Trust me.)  Mariko, the other female lead, is annoying in the sense that she’s generally stupid and inept and does nothing but hinder Logan’s efforts 90% of the time.  Like I was hoping she would just get kidnapped and dumped in the Pacific.  Is that too mean? Probably…but it’s true.  The whole Asian mob scene was weird, because mobs in and of themselves are weird enough, but even more so without Italian accents or semiautomatics.  This was all karate chops and judo kicks.  Also, some of the filming that was surely intended to be “stylistic” or “edgy” ended up just making me feel like I was having a seizure in my eyeballs.  My brain felt like it was having a seizure when the plot got a bit convoluted, but I’m pretty sure that people who are used to be normal and going to movies and paying attention would not be confused at all.  (And maybe understanding a Japanese accent would help, too.)  At a couple points, I felt like the screenwriters had held back or softened Wolverine’s character- for example, at one point when he is disposing of one of the villains, he says, “Sayonara.”  We all know the real Logan would have been a bit more…colorful…and just growled, “Sayonara, f****r” as he walked away.  Nothing too major though, and nothing for which Hugh’s chiseled forearms can’t inspire forgiveness.

 

Bottom line- you should go see this, if for nothing but these 2 reasons: 1) Hugh’s abs. 2) Hugh’s arms.

hugh 2

Oh, and stay through the credits. Do it.

 

Stay fresh, yall.  xoxo

 

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3 thoughts on “A Woman’s Take on The Wolverine (a very unprofessional movie review)

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