Lately I have been using some of my “free” time (translation: time I should spend job hunting) to work on activities that help me to better myself and make significant contributions to society. You know, things like painting my nails, learning to apply mascara properly, and taking advantage of the fact that the first two seasons of New Girl are now on Netflix. Through these endeavors, I have come to three conclusions:
- No amount or color of nail polish will detract from the sausage-like appearance of my fingers. I simply need to accept that my stubby little panda paws will be with me for life. (We won’t even start on my platypus-flipper feet. As my brother once described it, “It looks like someone stuck $#@&ing 2×4’s on the ends of your legs!”)
- Mascara is magic in a tube, and it gives you superpowers…or at least lets you bat your eyes at people without them thinking you forgot to take your Tourette’s medication. The downside is that without it, I am forced to reconcile myself to the fact that my eyes are in reality small, squinty, and framed by stubby little eyelashes.
- My life is nothing like New Girl.
This last realization is particularly upsetting. See, New Girl’s Jess (played by everyone’s favorite buggy-eyed* beauty, Zoey Deschanel) gives hope to the eternally awkward girls of the world that someday, their awkwardness will come across as endearing and they, too, can be a klutzy ingénue that wins over the hearts of the greater Los Angeles area. For some girls, I’m sure, this is true. Heck, I have a friend from college who not only looks like Zoey Deschanel but also has the same quirky charm, and lemme tell ya, homegirl works is hard. I, on the other hand, have all of the weirdness without any of the charm. Maybe if I had the big eyes (remember my small squinty eyes and stubby eyelashes?) it would work, or maybe not. Either way, all that I have in common with Jess from New Girl is the dark hair and a tendency to burst into song at inopportune moments.
But you know Dr. Mindy Lahiri (played by producer Mindy Kaling) of The Mindy Project. Yeah, that’s me- I’m the chubby ethnic one with poor dating skills. I mean no disrespect to Ms. Kaling, as I consider her one of the funniest women in the industry and she totally rocks the fuller-figured minority thing. (Unfortunately, I’m not as funny, and on me the fuller-figured look just comes across as “pre-diabetic statistic.”) But seriously, Mindy Lahiri is me. I’m not the only one who sees it, because my friend once told me, as we discussed our mutual love for The Mindy Project, “Oh. My. Gosh. You are Mindy! Like no wonder you love the show, you’re her!” I mean, no, I’m not a gynocologist, but when I was a kid I wanted to become a doctor, and I’m still a health nerd that reads PubMed while she does cardio. And no, I don’t have a handsome-but-emotionally-repressed colleague named Danny Castalano with whom I share an undeniable-but-not-yet-acted-upon chemistry, but I’m friends with the guys at work and they’re not bad-looking. And I’m not Indian, I don’t live in New York City, and I don’t have my own share of a medical practice…but I’m biracial, I live in a suburb, and I own my car (even if it’s German made and all kinds of trouble), and that all counts for something, right?
So as you can see, my life is not like New Girl, and I am far from being a wide-eyed quirky temptress. I’m nerdy without being enchanting, I get to join the likes of Mindy that’s fine by me. I will keep trying to make the chubby ethnic thing work, and Lord-willing, I will someday have a successful career (although preferably not in gynocology). In the meantime, I’ll enjoy spending my day watching New Girl reruns and pretending I lead a quirky, enchanting life that involves my own lady-harem in a loft with three dudes, like a glorious urban commune of platonic polygamy.
….Actually, now that I think about some of my male friends, we could totally make that work.
*The “buggy-eyed” description is truly not meant as a criticism (see my thoughts regarding mascara above).