I’ve always been something of a late bloomer. It explains a lot of things…
…Why I’m 23 and living with my parents (but moving next month).
…Why it was only a few months ago that I realized what that line in “Baby Got Back” means by “…you get sprung!”
…Why I not-so-secretly enjoy when my youngest sister asks me to watch Mary Kate and Ashley movies with her.
…Why I only just swiped my D-card last night.
Of course, by “swiping my D-card” I mean watching Duck Dynasty for the first time (calm down, gutter-brains). I’d heard for so long how it was a great show, and I would love it, and I just had to watch it. But of course, I didn’t, because I was too busy getting ready to graduate, catching up on How I Met Your Mother, and stalking celebrities’ twitter feeds. One of my resident directors during college – this burly, bearded bear of a man who could totally be an extra on the show (except I don’t think his wife would love that) – would always tell me that I needed to marry a man like those on Duck Dynasty (he was well aware of my love for firearms, country life, conservatism, and real men), and I always told him that “mama can’t handle that much beard.”
Now I know that I was wrong.
So, so wrong.
I’m only two episodes into this new lifestyle (Duck Dynasty is a lifestyle…go big or go home, right?), but I can already tell it’s going to be a forever kind of thing. Willie and Phil and Jase are basically my camouflage-wearing spirit animals. Am I allowed to say that Duck Dynasty resonates with me? It was at about ten minutes into my maiden voyage with the Duck Commander (nope, not going to rephrase that) when I found myself staring wide-eyed and leaning towards the screen, whispering in awe,
“These are my people.”
They are straight ‘Murican.
They drive big trucks.
They shoot big guns.
They have big beards (not terribly attractive, but impressive nonetheless.)
They fear God.
They are multimillionaires.
They hunt squirrels (I don’t care if you eat ‘em, but we can all agree that those little rabies-infested SOBs need to die).
They wear camo without being ironic, being in the service, or being members of a white supremacist group.
In other words, they make backwoods look good.
Also, Phil’s dating advice is phenomenal. His approach is very John Wayne-meets-Dr. Laura, and I’m thinking that, much like Gandalf, he’s got some secret magical-wisdom-powers stored up in his grizzly old beard.
(Although I doubt Gandalf ever went toad-hunting or wore camo. He seemed pretty content to stick with the long dress + vintage walking stick + boots + pointy hat look…papa knew how to work those accessories.)
So yeah, I got ducked real good last night.
And the Duck Commander and Co. have created their newest fangirl.