Bromantic Reunion

Seeing that we’re less than one week away from the start of Juan-uary [!!!], I figured we should start preparing ourselves for the maelstrom of pheromones and cattiness that will be the 2014 season of The Bachelor. In case you haven’t already met, let me introduce you to Juan Pablo.

marry me

He was a contestant on last season of The Bachelorette with Desiree. Oh man, that season was something else. From the sausage-fest in Germany to the full-on crazy-lady meltdowns to the nostril-adjustments, it was wild. You can find all the commentary and recaps from last season here. I suggest taking a quick refresher course…

[I’ll wait.]

…Ok, good. Glad we’re all on track now. Clearly you can see the extent of my commitment to my craft crazy, which is why you won’t be surprised to learn that I have been following many of Des’ former suitors [on twitter, of course, because if you follow people in real life, that’s called stalking, and it’s a felony*].  Scrolling through my twitter feed the other day, I realized that some of our bachelors have moved on, while others….ehh, not so much. In honor of the 12 weeks we spent watching them with them this past summer, let’s have a little reunion and see what everyone’s been up to.

Ben Scott

[also “The Phony Guy Who Kept Reminding Everyone That He Was a Gentleman and a Christian and a Single Dad,” and “That Guy Everyone Hated”]

Ben has been doing well in Texas, it seems. He’s developed a feline fascination:

And an Eskimo fetish?

Which is clearly not working out for him…

But at least he hasn’t lost his charm.

Nor has he given up the hunt prowl quest for a woman to wife.

Kasey Stewart

[also “The Guy Who Wouldn’t Stop Talking in #Hashtags,” and “Zac Efron’s Cousin’s Doppelganger”]

He still has the crazy eyes. Look at his twitter profile background on a full screen laptop/computer when you get a chance. It won’t show up on your phone [trust me, I tried to get a screenshot for yall].
There have been some real struggles for him lately:

But he’s managed to keep his sense of humor.

In his spare time, he’s taken up a hobby of the collecting kind.

[or maybe he’s just building his love nest…?]
And the feline thing is apparently contagious, because, this:

Zak Waddell

[also, “Naked Man,” and “Shirtless Man,” and “Abs Man,” and “Man Who Had a Surprisingly Decent Voice and Then Gave Des a Diary That He’d Written In So It Cancelled Out the Singing Thing”]

Zak’s still making health a priority.

Alas, all the abs in the world can’t cure loneliness…

He seems to be attempting to live vicariously through his brother,

and he distracts himself with extra bromantic group dates.

In other news, this happened:

And now we can be traumatized together.

Brooks Forester

[also, “The Token Mormon,” and “The Man Whose Hair Had a Life of Its Own”]

He still has ALL THE FEELS.

And he’s surprisingly patriotic:

As well as enthusiastically religious:

He’s been busy promoting Tourette’s awareness…

…as well as diabetes awareness.

But most importantly, he’s become a man after my own heart.

James Case
[also, “The Guy Who Was Approximately the Size of a Pickup Truck” and “The One Who Had the Cajones to Think About Life After Des and Lost the Rose Because of It”]

James has been a fount of wisdom as of late:

He’s also had some moments of personal clarity.

Keeping up on his physical and spiritual fitness…

And again, a man who shares my view of undergarments as an accessory rather than fundamental piece of daily apparel.

[On a serious note, James did experience some recent personal tragedy with the passing of his father. For all the jokes I make about the Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants, I also realize that they have individual lives outside of the show, and they walk through their own personal victories and heartaches that we never see onscreen. My heart goes out to James and his family, and I hope that even in this grief they are able to experience God’s presence and healing.]

Bryden Vukasin
[also, “The One Who Exited Not-So-Gracefully During the Sausage-Fest in Germany”]

Bryden’s been having a rough go of it.

Unfortunately, this has led to some unhealthy behaviors [well, the last one’s debatable]:

He got really excited about the holidays.

He’s considering a career in politics, apparently:

…but in the meantime, he’s taken a seasonal position at the North Pole:

As for Chris and Des, I assume they’re just enjoying days filled with tonsil-hockey and nostril-adjustments.

Stay tuned for more JUANuary pre-gaming tomorrow!

*Actually, I have no idea if stalking is a felony. I should ask one of my lawyer friends.

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For more Bachelor mischief in bite-size bits, follow me on Twitter! @domiscles

To stay on top of the shenanigans happening around here, follow Eat, Pray, Lift using the “Follow” button at your left.

And as always, if thought what you read was hilarious/helpful/laughably-moronic, please  feel free to share!

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Updated 1.3.14 to add:
Someone made a comment to me yesterday about how “eviscerating” my sense of humor can be when it comes to these guys, so I want to make it clear that the things I say are all in good fun.  Sure, the guys say/do ridiculous things on and off-camera…but that’s why we love the show.  I know that they are likely all pretty great people in real life, but it’s fun to poke [good-natured] fun at their “twitter-selves.” [And anyone who’d like is more than welcome to do the same for me!]  In the end, I think most of them might even appreciate the extra publicity.  At least that’s my hope…If any of you Bachelorette-men are reading this [a girl can dream, right?], let me know!

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