Bachelorettes […And Placing Bets]

Now, we all know that The Bachelor comes with a wee bit more drama than The Bachelorette.  When you’ve got 25 women competing for one man’s pocketbook heart, chaos is bound to break out.  The drama between the women on The Bachelor is much like what you would expect to happen if you combined Gossip Girl + Real Housewives + Toddlers & Tiaras all into one show.

Ish gets wild. 

Now, I’m not a gambling woman, but I’d like to place my bets right now.  Like a tawdry fortune-teller workout out of an alley off Bourbon street, I’m going to share my predictions for the future. More specifically, I’ve made a list of which ladies I think will be the standouts on Juan Pablo’s upcoming season of The Bachelor.

Take a peek, cast your bets, and may the odds be ever in your favor…

Sharleen will be the The CRAZY One.

sharleen

Remember Tierra from Sean’s season? [Sidenote: The fact that her parent’s named her “earth” might explain some issues…] That’s the kind of cray I’m talking about.  Honey boo boo is an opera singer from Canada and she’s pushing 30.  Between a biological clock that keeps ticking, likely career-disatisfaction [Seriously, you’re an opera singer? Tell me how stable and successful that’s been for you…], and the obvious desire for American citizenship, it’s a wonder she didn’t get on The Bachelor sooner.

Lucy is clearly the hippie of the bunch.”Occupation: Free Spirit.” I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that’s what they’re calling “unemployment” these days.

lucy

At least she’s decided to take a break from surfing and organizing beachside “Occupy” movements to do something more productive…like find a sugar-daddy.  [I guess if you want a sugar-daddy, Juan Pablo’s not a bad way to go.]

Kelly will be the one who makes everyone go, “Oh, honeeey…”

kelly

Because she says she works as a “Dog Lover.” What is that? A professional puppy cuddler? That’s not a thing.  It can’t be.  May it means she works for PETA, like a social worker for dogs? I don’t know.  But I do know that no one older than 8 years old should be saying that her occupation is “Dog Lover.”

Something about Amy J tells me she will be overeager as all get out, and maybe a tad bit crazy.

amy j

Might be the eyes, but it might also be the fact that she’s a 31 year old massage therapist from Florida. She spends her days massaging retired peoples saggy backsides, of course she’s desperate to spice things up with a Venezuelan single-dad with a body that doesn’t quit. I’m guessing she doesn’t make it past the first night.

It’s quite clear that Alexis is the one who will try to convert all the other women.  Her favorite book is the Bible and her favorite movies include Elf and Titanic.  No tattoos, obviously. [Remind me again why they’re asking that??] They need to fulfill their Token Religious Person Quota for the season – remember Brooks from last season and Jef from Emily’s season? – and Alexis is it.  Personally, I’m hoping she comes out of the limo wearing a modest-wear evening gown, complete with turtleneck.

alexis

Irony? She looks a lot like a brunette version of Emily Maynard.

Amy L likes Modern Fam and Big Bang and guacamole.  Let’s be friends, Amy L.  But first, one question: Why that shirt? Whyyy?

amy l

Also, why mention your cats? There’s no need to shoot yourself in the foot when the show hasn’t even started.

Chelsie looks like the lovechild of Kristen Bell and Christina Ricci.

chelsie

 And I have to ask, what is a “Science Educator?” Are you a science teacher? I’m so confused.  Clearly I need a “language educator” to help me with my reading comprehension.

Same goes for Christine…you’re a “Police Support Specialist?” No, you’re a dispatcher. You answer 911 calls and tell the Miami PD where to go when the crack dealers start stabbing each other.

christine

It’s kind of noble, really, but besides that, spades are spades, folks. Spades are spades.

Our friend Cassandra was apparently a Former NBA Dancer.  How are you a “former” dance at only 21? Unless you’ve been chain smoking since age 6, you shouldn’t have aged enough to be exiled into the “aging NBA dancer” graveyard.

cassandra

Something tells me she’ll be using every opportunity to show off her dance moves.  **Exits the limo…shimmy, shimmy, aaand split kick into pirouette…** “Hello, my name’s Cassandra!” [Cue saucy cheek-kiss greeting.]  Trust me guys, that’s how it’s gonna go down.

Andi will be interesting to watch.

andi

She’s an assistant DA [which, at 26, is pretty impressive…I think.  I’ll have to ask my lawyer friends again.], but she also says she’s “feisty.” In a house full over hormonal imbalances and baby fever, “feisty” only spells TROUBLE.

Another interesting career choice is Alli, who is 26, like Andi…but she’s a nanny.  Now after my extended “funemployment,” I’m not one to judge, but let’s just say that if I were wrangling a stranger’s children for a living, I would definitely be exploring any other option.

alli

 And I’m just saying, trophy-wife/baby-mama-to-Juan Pablo is not a bad alternative career.  Heck, she’s even got experience in the industry!

Nikki seems like she’ll be a peach.  When asked what is her preferred type of dancing, she responded, “Is drunk dancing a type?” Lord have mercy.

nikki

Renee says that she’s a real estate agent, but my spidey-senses tell me that she’s secretly a professional beach volleyball player.

renee

Maybe it’s the tan or the hair, I’m not sure.  I just know that Gabrielle Reece is her alter ego.  Also, homegirl says she likes country music and Top Gun and she has a dog.  Renee, let’s be friends. We can put on some George Strait and play volleyball, and it will be a hoot.

Remember that time I said I knew someone who was going to be on The Bachelor? Well, this is her. Valerie:

valerie

She was a personal trainer at one of the locations for the local gym chain that I used to work for.  Here’s hoping she can convince Juan Pablo to do shirtless pushups in every episode…

You know who I like? Lacy.

lacy

Because Lacy says her favorite snack is “hot cheetos.” I’m not sure that’s the most likely aphrodisiac, but way to keep it real, you know? Keep calm and [hot] cheeto on, girl!

 And for the creme de la creme…

the big kahuna…

the bottom line…

the final rose [+ ring?!]…

Victoria.

victoria

My almost-entirely uneducated guess is that Victoria will take home the final rose Juan Pablo.  She’s gorgeous, she has a career that would be recognized by a college counselor [legal assistant], she likes Star Wars aka “man-catnip,” and she’s foreign from a South American country.  Surely she’ll have an adorable Brazilian accent that will enchant Juan Pablo, and after a few dalliances with the rest of the floozies, he will realize that he’s found Camilla Belle’s doppelganger and his soulmate, all in one woman.

[Cue panoramic shot of Juan Pablo on one knee, with Chris Harrison off to the side, weeping soft tears as this sparkling moment of romance inspires some painful-but-cathartic introspection.]

Enjoy the premier tonight, yall, and let me know if you agree with my predictions!

If you have a hankering to revisit last season’s premiere, you can catch up with some of the former bachelors here and here.

*Disclaimer: All photos in this post are from the Bachelor cast page on the official ABC website.*

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