I know this is a week late, but what better to get you ready for tonight’s episode of The Bachelor than a recap of the premiere?
It was filled with more spray-tanned cleavage that you could shake a stick at, and the desperation was the kind that can only be fueled by a single woman’s quickly-dwindling fertility window.
[Speaking of baby-making…]
In other words? It was a freaking fairytale.
Well, you know, if Cinderella had implants and Prince Charming had a personal handmaiden named “Chris Harrison.” On second thought, Chris would be the fairy godmother. The man makes dreams come true.
Since I didn’t have TV access when the premiere aired [didn’t you know I’m Amish?], I had to watch it online.
Let me set the scene for you:
I’m sitting on the sofa, proudly wearing leggings like they’re pants. My laptop is at the ready for note-taking and capturing my sparkling wit.
My dad is sitting on the other side of the couch, wearing his Army fatigues and sipping a glass of red wine. His laptop is open on the coffee table, streaming Episode 1.
My 10-year-old sister, wearing hot pink footsie pajamas with a bowl of ice cream in her lap, has claimed the middle of the couch and is chattering on about “JUANuary!!”
We’re fully functional, and we take our reality TV matchmaking seriously. It’s like fantasy football, except less dirt and more debauchery.
Anyway, here is the rundown of Episode 1, in chronological order.
I apologize in advance for the abrasive and outright offensive commentary that follows. [But please, share this with your friends. Including Chris Harrison.]
The Introduction [Also known as, “Montage of Juan Pablo and his daughter intended to make women spontaneously ovulate”]
- First note: I’m glad Camilla has a father who provides her such a winning example of manhood, chivalry, and healthy relationships. Sure, Juan Pablo seems like a pretty nice guy, and I’m sure he’s a devoted father. But really, how do you tell your kid, “Daddy’s going to go on TV to find you a mommy!” and expect her not to have issues? [Especially after she sees him using his tongue to take throat cultures of ten different bikini-clad women throughout the season.]
- Juan Pablo has baby fever. I wonder if he got a bad batch of Yasmin?
- He says, “This process is about me finding the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.” No, it’s about you have a harem for 12 weeks straight. Just tell it like it is.
- On a similar note, he says in regards to the whole Bachelor experience: “I have no idea how I’m gonna handle this..” [Here’s a hint: It starts with two hands and a “Honka honka.“]
- His broken English would not be as charming if he wasn’t so cute. You lucked out this time, buddy.
- We get a reappearance from Sean Lowe, the Virgin Aryan Texan Bachelor from last season of The Bachelor. He happens to be pulling off the polka dots. Not sure how I feel about it.
- Sean, talking about the first night of meeting the women: “That first night it’s gonna be like ‘Oh, this is really happening.'”
This isn’t Lone Survivor, buddy. Don’t pull a Tom Cruise. Calm down.
- Juan Pablo asks Sean, in typical locker room fashion, “How many did you kiss?”
Sean’s response: “I kissed a lot. But I don’t regret it.”
Yeah, I’m sure you don’t. Because those prescription herpes meds are pretty effective.
- During the montage of his man-primping process, Juan Pablo manages to make the act of shaving his neck-beard sexy. I’m impressed, I’m very impressed.
- Chris Harrison says approximately 12 words total. Chris, remind me again why we pay you for this? Don’t get me wrong, America loves you. But your job responsibilities are fewer than that of a kid working at Taco Bell. And you get to wear designer suits and travel. But, you know, if you’re ever looking for an assistant, hit me up.
Meeting the Women [Also known as, “Desperate Single Women Explain Why Their Daddy/Baby-Daddy Issues”]
- Dad, regarding Renee: “Do you believe in clothes, Renee?” [Dad’s commentary is one of the best parts of watching The Bachelor.]
Renee also mentions why she believes Juan Pablo is the one for her: “He’s totally my type! He’s so hot!!…” Well, I’m glad you have standards, doll.
- Andi is a refreshing change. She wears clothes, she has a real job, and she seems relatively intelligent. Actually, Andi, my uncle is a prosecutor, he’s single, and you’re just his type. So, I mean, if Juan Pablo doesn’t work out…
- Massage Lady: Dear sweet baby Abraham, what is wrong with you, woman?! “I just want a man who will let me rub him!” Actually, I don’t think you’re going to have to look far for that.
- Lauren H: Don’t bring out your wedding dress and Runaway-Groom sob-story before you’ve even met Juan Palo. You know better.
- Valerie, the girl who worked for the same local gym chain that I used to, says “Not only am I pretty – I’m a pretty girl – but I’m not scared to file these things down [holds fingernails up] and scratch some people out.” Here’s the thing: You’re scary, and guys can smell that. And you’re cute, but not that cute. Good luck.
- Claire: “I’m part Mexican.” Yeah, clearly.
- Lacy, I like you. You seem like a doll, and you love old people. I love old people, too. If this writing thing doesn’t turn out, maybe I can come and play chess and drink tea with you and your elderly friends. Please?
The Harem Arrives [Also known as “In the Primate World, This is Known as ‘Presenting'”]
- Cassandra, were you a homeschooler? Why are you so awkward? Aren’t you a “former NBA dancer?” That suggests some kind of poise. I’m disappointed. I’m also disappointed in your choice of dress. Yeeesh. Although judging by Juan Pablo’s “Holy moly,” I guess it’s working for ya.
- Dad, to my sister, as he gets more fed up with each plunging neckline that crawls out of the limo: “Tessa, in the old West, a gunslinger would at least holster his pistol.” That was supposed to be some kind of modesty parable. I think. Or abstinence campaign?
- Nikki, wow. The stethoscope-trick takes it to an entirely new level. But it seems a bit cumbersome. Why not leave the medical instruments back at the office and ask him to straight up grope you? It would save us all some time.
- Juan Pablo, as one of the women [Kat?] walks away: “She smells good, very good.” Ok, Edward Cullen. Cool your jets.
- “Hi, I’m Lucy, nice to meet you.” Yeah, welcome to Narnia, hippy-Lucy. We’re going to give you some real deodorant- the kind that has carcinogens and doesn’t smell like patchouli – and then send you back through the
- Science teacher lady, what the heck are you doing with those test tubes? Just what kind of sample are you going to ask him for?? You’re not Jenifer Aniston, and this is not The Switch.
- Ashley, why do you sound like a 60-year old chain smoker?
“I’m watching you, Juan Pablo. Always watching.”
- I really just wish the fake-prego-girl had been like, “Don’t worry! It belongs to Chris!”
- Lacy! Honey boo boo, put yo’ bozangas away! You’re a sweet girl, you don’t need to flash the goodies.
- I’m fairly sure that what transpired here is illegal in most states:
The Cocktail Party [Also known as “A Cacophony of Pheromones and Alcohol”]
- Juan Pablo, on meeting the women: “It feels weird; it feels like you a meat that they wanna eat you right then.” Gotta love a man that uses meat-metaphors.
- Dad: “I would love to be the official therapist for this show. I say that every year, but they need one!”
- Juan Pablo has lipstick on his cheek for half the night. Why does Chris not notice that and fix it? YOU HAVE ONE JOB, CHRIS. ONE JOB!
- Lucy starts getting waaay up in Juan Pablo’s bubble space. She asks him, “Do you get nervous when I get close to you?” Yeah, you know, he does. Because you smell like marijuana and unemployment checks. And because you threw your hobbit feet all up on his lap.
- Lindsay H., come on now. No tears on the first night. “Cowgirls don’t cry,” and all that jazz. Put your feelings away like a good Midwesterner and go wrangle yourself a foreign husband.
- Seeing Juan Pablo’s reactions to the women’s antics is by far the best part of this experience. Homeboy does not have a poker face, And it’s pretty clear that he is not entirely smitten with all these cats. Other times, it’s adorable….you know, like his reaction to Sharlene saying sometimes she orders soup and it comes to the table with a “whole weiner on there.”
Yeah, Juan Pablo. Weiners.
- [Sidenote: Sharlene, honey, you have all the charisma of a catfish. Let’s work on your people skills.]
The Rose Ceremony [Also known as “The Part Where They Should Play the Jeopardy Music Because It’s Slow and Boring. But They Don’t.”]
- Chantelle – Daaaang girl. Delts for days. I have shoulder envy.
- Nikki – Wait, where’d the back of your dress go? I’m worried we’re going to have a crack-attack.
- Kylie – Oh, honey. [P.S. I think Costco sells hearing aids…]
- Chrystie – Sweet Moses, woman, lay off the self tanner.
- Lucy – Lay off the pot brownies.
- Amy L – Why hold back? Just go ahead and bust out with a little Broadway number when you waltz down to get that final rose? All the other girls already want to shank you, anyway.
- Post-rose-ceremony, a heartbroken Amy J sobs to the camera, “People don’t always feel you the way you feel them.” I’m sure that’s particularly true for you, Creepy Massage Lady.
- Kylie, pull it together. What do you mean, you were easily “picturing your life with Juan Pablo??” He’s a stranger. You met him for one night. Stop being crazy. I hear it’s a turnoff.
And that’s Episode 1, folks.
As for the rest of the season, I don’t know. In those teasers they showed, I saw crazy girls curled up on the floor of a public restroom hollering death threats, and an interview with a weepy Juan Pablo. That trembling little chin [with 2 days of stubble, swoon] kills me.
I don’t know if I can handle this season, yall. I just don’t know.
We can only hope Fairy Godmother Chris will make some magic happen.