The Big [BAD] Bang

This is just a quick PSA for yall.

I was in desperate need of getting my bangs trimmed this weekend.  My hair grows really fast [not complaining!], and my once kinda-cute fringe was looking a little more like strands of kelp dangling across my face.

I thought the solution was simple.  I’d pop in to the local cheapo hair salon Great Clips, pay the $6 for a bang trim, and be all spruced up and on my way in 10 minutes.  Heck, I even printed a photo beforehand so the stylist could have a visual reference of what I wanted.  Sure, getting your hair cut at Great Clips is the equivalent of going grocery shopping at the Circle K.  But this was just a quick bang trim…that can’t be too difficult to mess up, right?

No.

Wrong.

So very, very wrong.

The first clue that this was a bad idea should have been when I walked in and was greeted by a tiny blonde girl who looked like she was pushing 15 at best. She took put my name and phone number into their database and led me over to the first chair in the empty salon and swaddled me in one of those vinyl capes.

The second clue should have been the stern-looking Asian woman, whom I figured was her boss, glaring in my direction from where she stood in the back of the shop.  At the time, I thought she was just angry that Blondie had gotten a customer, since there were no customers except me. Now, I think she was trying to send some kind of cross-cultural subliminal messages…Get out! Run! Leave now! 

If only I had heeded her friendly foreign warnings…

As Blondie swaddled me and began pinning my hair back, I started looking around for her certifications. I saw some kind of certificate on her counter and thought about asking if it was real, but thought better of it.  After all, she was the one holding scissors.

I showed her the photo I’d brought and explained that I just needed a trim and this was how I’d like my hair to look afterwards.  I didn’t have a photo of myself after my last bang trim, so I’d brought in a photo of Angelina Jolie in SALT, since her bangs were somewhat similar to what mine had been.  She said, “Ok, yeah.  So you want something you can wear in front or to the side.”

“Exactly!”

“Ok. We can do that.”

“Great, thank you!”

And that was the end of our conversation.

She didn’t say another word as she began snipping away at my hair.  I closed my eyes instinctively and waited for her to ask me “Is this ok?” or something like that.

[Cue crickets…]

Between her silence and the slooow way she went about clipping teeny pieces of hair, I started to get a bad feeling.  Just how many times had she cut hair before? Was that certification real? Why was I letting this stranger hold scissors so close to my face???

After a few minutes, I opened my eyes, only to have my view of the mirror blocked by Blondie hunched in front of me with her scissors between my eyeballs.

I shut those peepers real quick.

Another few minutes of silence passed, with me praying and vowing never to make hasty hair decisions again, and she painstakingly snipping one strand of hair at a time.  Finally she put the scissors down, stepped back, and said, “Ok, is that good?”

To which I stared into the mirror in horror, nodded and mumbled some thanks, paid my $6 and fled like Quasimodo to his bell-tower, desperate to hide from the judgmental eyes of the public.

You think I’m being dramatic, but just you wait.

I think it’s best to let the photos speak for themselves.

This is the photo I had brought her:

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And this is the hair I walked out with:

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Trust me, it looks even worse in real life.

Moral of the story? If you don’t want to look like a Russian muppet, don’t go to Great Clips.

And remember that no matter what you do, you’ll never look like Angelina Jolie.

Checkmate. Game over. Class dismissed.

[If anyone needs me, I’ll be hibernating over here until this monstrosity grows out.  On the bright side, though, at least it hides my ever-expanding forehead wrinkles.]

Edited to add…
Last night, my youngest sister told me, “You look like the mom from 7th Heaven.” She was, of course, referring to actress Catherine Hicks in her portrayal of the nurturing and harshly-permed matriarch of the Camden clan.

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Coincidentally enough, Catherine Hicks also had a role in Star Trek.  You know who else was in Star Trek?

Spock.

imagesCAR19K9F

You know who else is my new doppelganger?

Spock.

picture004

It’s bad, yall.  It’s baaaad.

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2 thoughts on “The Big [BAD] Bang

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