JUANuary: Hot Tubs, Hot Bodies, and a Hot Brazilian Mess [Episode 2]

My biggest question at the beginning was…why is the dog still in the house? “Dog Lover” is not a real job, we’ve been over this.  Someone call animal control, please.

Date #1: Clare

Sure, the blindfold was cool, but you know what would’ve made it better?

Chloroform.

Claire says that in the car on the way to their date, “All I could do was smell him!!” Um, what? You’re not a drug-sniffing K-9. Keep your nostrils to yourself, lady.

Then she says, “This is the ultimate fairytale, and I’m living it!” I know, right? Because when I was growing up, all I ever dreamed of was living in a house with two dozen women and competing with one another for the same man’s attention.  Doesn’t every girl wish for that? [Ok, actually, maybe the Sister Wives do, but aside from that…]

hot tub clare

And the thing is, Juan Pablo knows how to work this game.  He’s got this strange [as in “a stranger,” not as in “weeeridooo”] woman giving him a back rub in a hot tub in some fake snow-park in LA.  Get it, hombre. Get. It.

I thought it was interesting that Juan Pablo’s date cards have the same teen-girl type handwriting as the cards on every…other…season…of this show.  I wonder if they let Chris write all the date cards? That would just be the most precious thing

You know, I’m really glad they didn’t skip the mandatory private-concert + slow-dance/face-licking session this time around.  It’s almost as classic as Chris Harrison’s suits.  [And did anyone else notice Juan Pablo drumming on her bum? Is that a cultural thing?] Claire said she just “knew” her “dad was watching all this tonight.” Well, I really hope not.  Because I’m a grown woman, but I know if my dad saw me waddling around in the snow in my chonies with some dude I’d just met patting my buttcheeks to the beat…bad things would happen.  Real bad.

Date #2: Kat

What is this? This is a terrible date.  Did the producers use up all their money on the private jet and then have to scrap together a makeshift “date” afterwards? Because wearing glowsticks and jumping around in the dark does not make for a fun date.  Not even with Juan Pablo grinding all up on you from behind like it’s 2003 and you’re a Catholic schoolgirl at her first middle school dance.  [And no, Dad, that was not a reference based on my personal experience.]

kat dancing

Now Juan Pablo and Blonde Ladyfriend #2 got trampled at the start line…that would have been interesting. And, you know, tragic.

Date #3: Group Date

It would not be a group date without bikinis, bodypaint, and gratuitous nudity.

Seriously, producers? Sure, we love this show for all its tawdry, contrived drama.  But would a little creativity hurt anyone?  I think not.  What about synchronized swimming?  You could still have a gaggle of girls in bikinis, but it would be, like, tasteful. Don’t you think?

Also, can we talk for a second about the nude photos? I have a high tolerance for awkward, but a ménage à trois photoshoot in nothing but their birthday suits?  Doesn’t that come with a lot of risk? The veneral-disease-kind of risk??  At least Elise stood her ground and found a way out of having to pose nude.  Even if she had to dress up like a lifesize fire hydrant, I’m proud of homegirl.

On the other side of the keeping-her-dignity spectrum…

Victoria.

Oh, Victoria.

Honey boo boo, I say this with love, because I too am known for twerking in public at inopportune moments…but you need to keep it in your freaking pants. Also, lay off the bubbly. I’m not exactly a small girl, and I hit my limit after a glass and a half.  You looked like you’d had about five…and counting.  I’m not saying you have to be a teetotaler [or whatever the Brazilian equivalent is], but don’t be the drunk girl, either.  Just don’t.

victoria drunk

Oh, and in case we hadn’t yet established this:
You are off-your-rocker, batshizzle, Norman-Bates-level crazy.

I was honestly worried for Juan Pablo when he walked into her hotel room.  Forget a rose, the woman needs a straightjacket. And maybe a liver replacement.  Not even ashamed to admit that I was cheering, “SEND HER HOME! SEND HER HOME!” during that entire scene.

Rose Ceremony

Amy L., what are you doing? Pretending to be a newscaster? Why did that idea even cross your mind? Go home. Also, is it just me, or does she come across like she’s a 17-year old cheerleader?

Sharleen, have ya heard of double-sided tape?? Strap those puppies down before they pull a Houdini and escape.

As for Chantel and Amy L. going home…well, we all saw that coming.   Good for them for keeping the big ole alligator tears at bay, though.

 

And like that, Week 2 is over.  There was a private concert, a private jet, a photoshoot featuring three people’s private bits, and a not-at-all private psychotic break.   All in all, a decent week.

 

Now, let’s poll the audience…

Thoughts on Week 2? 

Predictions for the Top 4 [i.e. Hometown Dates]?

 I’m considering  trying some new stuff this season, like a vlog [video-blog] or two, and possible live-tweeting an episode.  Yay or nay?

[I mean, otherwise I’ll clearly still be here writing commentary for my invisible internet friends.  Because the public loves me.  Or just because I like talking writing to myself.  I haven’t decided yet.]

 

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