Yoga pants have a bit of a…reputation.
Some people see them as a scourge upon humanity. (Generally, fashion fascists of both the male and female persuasion.)
Some people see them as a guilty pleasure. (Generally, female college-coeds, soccer moms, and adventurous men who like the cozy security of cotton-spandex blend.)
Some people see them as the 8th wonder of the world. (Generally, men.)
Although, to be fair, it goes both ways…
Personally, I’m a fan. In fact, I consider myself something of an expert. See my qualifications:
- I recently graduated from college. Translation: Out of the past 1460 days (four years) of my life, approximately 1200 of those days were spent wearing yoga pants.
- I was, from graduation until recently, severly unemployed. Translation: Until a couple months ago, I had yoga pants surgically attached to my body.
- I am a female between 15 and 50 years old. Translation: I am part of the target demographic for yoga pants.
- I wear yoga pants. Translation: I never want this spandex-saturated party to end.
Given my expert status and the tawdry reputation that these beloved pants are developing (recent LuluLemon scandal, anyone?), I thought I’d best take it upon myself to take a stand for this much-maligned piece of apparel. If we don’t defend yoga pants, who will?
[Ok, every teenage boy in America would, but that’s beside the point.]
Therefore, I present to you a long-overdue and deeply heartfelt…
Ode to Yoga Pants
A List of 20 Things to Love About Yoga Pants
…in no particular order…
- Yoga pants love you no matter how much water you’re retaining or how many cupcakes you’ve eaten in the past hour.
- With no buttons to undo, yoga pants save you time when you go pee.
- These pants do not discriminate – even the most voluptuous of women can cram themselves into a size Small.
- You can wear them with a tunic and boots and look normal enough to go to the grocery store, the dentist, or a parent-teacher meeting.
- You can wear them with a sports bra and look normal enough to go to a Pilates class, the gym, or a Weight-Watchers weigh-in.
- When you wear jeans and eat a 2nd [or 3rd] helping at dinner, the denim rebels against your hearty appetite and leaves it’s pink track-marks of judgment lined up along your gut. When you wear yoga pants, they give your belly a supportive hug and cheer you on to the
- They’re almost more comfortable than being naked.
- Yoga pants make it easy to spot people who are still riding the 90’s granny-panty train. [See, also: 90’s hair scrunchie epidemic.]
- Those suckers come in every dang color of the rainbow, including cheetah print…you know, for the late-40’s recent-divorcee crowd. And maybe yours truly. [It really depends on my level of unemployment.]
- It doesn’t matter how oddly-shaped your body is – big butt, little legs, big legs, little butt, tiny waist, beer gut – yoga pants make you look like a goddess. Or at least put you somewhere in the neighborhood of Kim Kardashian.
- You can get them for about 10 bucks, if you don’t have qualms about supporting sweatshop labor.
- If you have a conscience/want to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman/aren’t student-loan-payer, you can get them for about 60 bucks [In “poor person-ese,” this translates to “7.5 hours of minimum-wage work,” which is colloquially known as “Oh hell no.”].
- I hear you can wear them while you’re
hosting another life formpregnant. It’s probably like the nursing bra of the pants world.
- You can wear them to work if you A) wear underwear and a long shirt, and B) don’t let your boss see you from the waist down.
- It doesn’t matter if you look like Kirstie Alley from the waist up, people will see your bottom half clad in yoga pants and think you look like JLo.
- All of the booty-beautifying powers of a great pair of tight jeans, and none of the muffin top.
- Get the right pair, and it’s like a facelift for your behind.
- They move with you whether you’re downward-dog-ing, twerking, or just doing sprint repeats from sofa to the refrigerator. Show me a pair of jeans or a sundress that can do that.
- When the choice is between elastic-ankle sweatpants from the men’s section and yoga pants…well, it’s not really a choice.
- Bottom [hah] line: Yoga pants make you a wizard. You put them on and it’s like your ‘donk just stole Dumbledore’s wand. Welcome to Hogwarts, gentlemen.
On that note, I’m going to continue wearing my favorite pants without a stitch of guilt. It’s a move that’s half social-revolution, half civil service, and all mischief.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good…