Ode to Yoga Pants

Yoga pants have a bit of a…reputation.

Some people see them as a scourge upon humanity. (Generally, fashion fascists of both the male and female persuasion.)

fat yoga pants

Some people see them as a guilty pleasure. (Generally, female college-coeds, soccer moms, and adventurous men who like the cozy security of cotton-spandex blend.)

man yoga pants

They make yoga pants for men. This is real life.

Some people see them as the 8th wonder of the world. (Generally, men.)

yay yoga pants

Although, to be fair, it goes both ways…

baseball pants

Personally, I’m a fan. In fact, I consider myself something of an expert. See my qualifications:

  • I recently graduated from college.  Translation: Out of the past 1460 days (four years) of my life, approximately 1200 of those days were spent wearing yoga pants.
  • I was, from graduation until recently, severly unemployed. Translation: Until a couple months ago, I had yoga pants surgically attached to my body.
  • I am a female between 15 and 50 years old. Translation: I am part of the target demographic for yoga pants
  • I wear yoga pants. Translation: I never want this spandex-saturated party to end.
funny

This is an entirely accurate description of my current state of existence.

Given my expert status and the tawdry reputation that these beloved pants are developing (recent LuluLemon scandal, anyone?), I thought I’d best take it upon myself to take a stand for this much-maligned piece of apparel.  If we don’t defend yoga pants, who will?

[Ok, every teenage boy in America would, but that’s beside the point.]

Therefore, I present to you a long-overdue and deeply heartfelt…

Ode to Yoga Pants

A List of 20 Things to Love About Yoga Pants 

…in no particular order…

  1. Yoga pants love you no matter how much water you’re retaining or how many cupcakes you’ve eaten in the past hour. 
  2. With no buttons to undo, yoga pants save you time when you go pee.
  3. These pants do not discriminate – even the most voluptuous of women can cram themselves into a size Small.
  4. You can wear them with a tunic and boots and look normal enough to go to the grocery store, the dentist, or a parent-teacher meeting.
  5. You can wear them with a sports bra and look normal enough to go to a Pilates class, the gym, or a Weight-Watchers weigh-in.
  6. When you wear jeans and eat a 2nd [or 3rd] helping at dinner, the denim rebels against your hearty appetite and leaves it’s pink track-marks of judgment lined up along your gut.  When you wear yoga pants, they give your belly a supportive hug and cheer you on to the finish buffet line.
  7. They’re almost more comfortable than being naked.
  8. Yoga pants make it easy to spot people who are still riding the 90’s granny-panty train.  [See, also: 90’s hair scrunchie epidemic.]
  9. Those suckers come in every dang color of the rainbow, including cheetah print…you know, for the late-40’s recent-divorcee crowd. And maybe yours truly.  [It really depends on my level of unemployment.]
  10. It doesn’t matter how oddly-shaped your body is – big butt, little legs, big legs, little butt, tiny waist, beer gut – yoga pants make you look like a goddess.  Or at least put you somewhere in the neighborhood of Kim Kardashian.
  11. You can get them for about 10 bucks, if you don’t have qualms about supporting sweatshop labor.
  12. If you have a conscience/want to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman/aren’t student-loan-payer, you can get them for about 60 bucks [In “poor person-ese,” this translates to “7.5 hours of minimum-wage work,” which is colloquially known as “Oh hell no.”].
  13. I hear you can wear them while you’re hosting another life form pregnant. It’s probably like the nursing bra of the pants world.
  14. You can wear them to work if you A) wear underwear and a long shirt, and B) don’t let your boss see you from the waist down.
  15. It doesn’t matter if you look like Kirstie Alley from the waist up, people will see your bottom half clad in yoga pants and think you look like JLo.
  16. All of the booty-beautifying powers of a great pair of tight jeans, and none of the muffin top.
  17. Get the right pair, and it’s like a facelift for your behind.
  18. They move with you whether you’re downward-dog-ing, twerking, or just doing sprint repeats from sofa to the refrigerator.  Show me a pair of jeans or a sundress that can do that.
  19. When the choice is between elastic-ankle sweatpants from the men’s section and yoga pants…well, it’s not really a choice.
  20. Bottom [hah] line: Yoga pants make you a wizard.  You put them on and it’s like your ‘donk just stole Dumbledore’s wand.  Welcome to Hogwarts, gentlemen.

On that note, I’m going to continue wearing my favorite pants without a stitch of guilt.  It’s a move that’s half social-revolution, half civil service, and all mischief.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good…

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7 thoughts on “Ode to Yoga Pants

  1. Ha, love this post!! It is so, so true. It’s a sad day when I have to get out of my yoga pants. Even though I’m back in media AKA a proper job, I still wear yoga pants almost every day as it’s a sport environment!

    Oh and I am a bigger fan of you than before as I noticed you featured Joe in your last post…. drool!

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