Hi, I know, I know, I’m way behind on Bachelor commentary.
If it makes you feel better, I got the flu last week. So, you know, karma or whatever?
Let’s cut to the chase: I’m not even going to bother recapping the Monday before last (episode from 1.27.14). It was boring. I only watched part of it. Sharleen got a one-on-one and “sang” (basically she held a high G for two measures. JPabs was moved, I was not.), stuff happened but nothing too dramatic, the end. Oh, and they were in South Korea. Which could have been exciting if they were smuggling Bibles across the border into North Korea or making sassy anti-communist PSA videos where Juan Pablo played Kim Jong Il. But I guess that idea got shut down, because the whole episode (or, um, at least the parts I saw…) were a snooze.
So let’s talk about the episode from last week (2/3/14).
The producers forces Juan Pablo invites his harem to Vietnam. Really? Really?? What is with the execs at ABC thinking that muggy Asian countries are primo vacation destinations? Does no one remember how adamant people were about getting Americans out of Vietnam back in the 70’s?? And now we’re sending Americans back there and acting like it’s fun. This is madness. No, it’s a hot steamy little country that’s basically a war-torn jungle littered with leftover landmines and city areas that are more or less a bigger, slightly more authentic version of San Francisco’s Chinatown. Chris Harrison really should have intervened.
I don’t mean to sound bitter or xenophobic (although really, we’d be the foreigners over there, so I’m not sure that applies). But if some guy wanted to take me to Vietnam, he better be one drop-dead sexy missionary…because Vietnam is not a vacation destination. Yeah, they both start with “V,” but you know what else starts with “V?” Vienna. Take me there, instead. They have beautiful music and the Von Trapps and cute little canned sausages
that will probably give you cancer and diabetes and lead poisoning.
Moving on…here’s a quick rundown of what happened in Vietnam.
- Renee got a one-on-one date.
- Everyone else but Nikki went on a group date.
- Nikki got a one-on-one date.
- Dog-Lover Girl, Avatar-Looking Girl, and The-One-Who-Looks-Like-Andi-But-Is-A-Nanny-Instead-Of-A-Paralegal get sent home. Sayonara, muchachas. Lo siento, via con Dios, etc. etc.
- Oh, can’t forget- Juan Pablo and Claire got freaky after the group date and it was a BFD. (No pun intended?)
I’m not going to bother giving play-by-play commentary on all the asinine things these dames say. That’s tedious and time-consuming, and I have other things that need to be written…plus, that’s why I’ll be live-tweeting the Bachelor episodes from now on. (Follow me and follow along. I’m a hoot, I promise.)
Even so, we have a lot to talk about.
- She’s so cute and gullible and sweet. My hunch is that she’s sincere in her search for a manfriend and genuine in her presentation of herself/her values…poor thing is just looking in the wrong place.
- Sidenote: She looks like Colbie Caillat. I keep waiting for her to start singing “Lucky,” and I’m sorely disappointed. Juan Pablo, on the other hand, looked suspiciously like he may have recently experimented with local recreational drugs. They’ve got enough weird green stuff growing in their fields, it figures they’d sell some of it for “alternative uses.”
- Juan Pablo + production company take her to
Chinatownthe outdoor market and they peruse traditional Vietnamese wares, and end up purchasing gifts for their respective children. Juan Pablo pays for Renee’s son’s gift, and she is shocked by his generosity. Spoiler alert, babe – the producers paid for that.
- Renee wears a purple kimono to dinner, Juan Pablo goes on about their commonality as single parents, she gets a rose, he agonizes about kissing her because of her son. I think the reality is that he was just having some really bad acid reflux.
- Juan Pablo takes the women out in little 2-person boats that look like giant straw bowls. Clare nabs a boat with JPabs because apparently she has no friends.
- Clare and Juan Pablo run their bowl-boat into the reeds/bank and proceed to tickle each other with their tongues for half a hour.
- The group is walking along some dusty little trail by the water when Juan Pablo stops to ask a Vietnamese man (who was minding his own business in his yard) where they can get some food. By divine coincidence, this native happens to speak English. He invites JPabs and his groupies into his house where he explains that they will get to experience an authentic Vietnamese dinner.
- Apparently authentic Vietnamese dinner starts with gardening. The girls are coerced into doing manual labor, complete with traditional Chinese (and now, apparently, Vietnamese) pointy hats.
- During the cocktail party, the girls keep stealing Juan Pablo away for individual chats where they explain how much they’re diggin’ him and how they wish he’d be upfront about whether he’s diggin’ them, too, or just likes having an extra set of ladybits around. He answers by snogging them.
- Sharleen wears a dress that is missing the back half. Things get dangerously close to Nip Slip Territory. She also rants about wanting “to be seen as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” Wow. Didn’t need to bring race into it. But really, this is funny because one of my best friend’s nickname for me is “Panda.” Partly because her brother started it and it stuck, partly because I’m biracial (Pandas are black and white…get it?), and partly because I’m round and cuddly and have fuzzy panda-textured hair. So that resonated with me in a weird way. And it’s weird that she’s calling the other girls brown bears. What, are they stealing her food and rummaging around in her trash can? Get a bear locker, girlfriend, and stop leaving your leftovers on the ground.
- Clare gets the rose, presumably because her tongue had spent more time in his mouth that day than anyone else’s.
- Overall, this just makes me sad. Nikki is so eager, and then it turns out Juan Pablo is taking her into a cave on their date. A cave. Like rapelling down in there, and someone had set up a table and stuff so they could have dinner. Actually, rapelling is cool and this would be an amazing first date in real life. Problem is, Nikki doesn’t feel the way I do. Homegirl was practically soiling herself with fear: “Either I live, or I die, or I poop my pants.” That’s a direct quote.
- Juan Pablo helps Nikki get over her fear by going all catfish on her face while they’re dangling halfway into the cave. Scchhhhluurrrrp. If Spiderman and a Dyson vacuum had a baby (just go with it), JPabs would be their love child.
- During dinner, he asks Nikki about her job. According to Nikki, this is a gigantic step in their relationship. Funny, I thought the whole “tell me about your work” topic was typical first-date fare. I guess things are different in Vietnam. Or in a cave. Or on Bachelor. Or when you’re dealing with foreign men. I don’t really know.
- She gets a rose because she’s cute, blonde, and kissed him back. Plus they “had a connection” or he “saw a lot of potential” or some crap like that.
About The Carnal Relations Between Clare and Juan Pablo…
- Long story short: After the group date, Clare’s, um, “engine is revving” and she starts telling the cameras about some bucket-list goal of swimming in a warm ocean at night (riiiight…besides, that’s what jacuzzis are for), and all this leads to her trotting over to Juan Pablo’s apartment and asking him to “come swimming with her.”
- The go into the water and if it wasn’t warm already, they heat it up and get all kinds of “biblical” with each other. If it wasn’t clear enough, the next night (at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony) Clare makes a toast to “finding love, being in love, and making love.” So, yeah, spoiler alert much?
- At the cocktail party pre-rose-ceremony, JPabs takes Clare aside and tells her how embarrassed he is about what happened and it wasn’t fair because he’s “just too fair” (yeah, what?), and a bunch of other drivel. Clare starts crying, he tries to comfort her while insisting that she shouldn’t have seduced him, it gets awkward, and she tells everyone she “has bad allergies” to explain why her face is dripping with salty heartbreak juice.
- Bottom line: Juan Pablo is a
doucheasaurusrapscallion of the most detestable kind. Sure, Clare is sort of a trollop (and she reminds me – aesthetically and in general – of a girl I knew in high school who was kind of a snot, so that bugs me. But I digress.), but Juan Pablo is in full control of his actions and appendages. He did not have to “go swimming” with Clare if he didn’t want to. He can’t say she forced him. First of all, because that’s illegal and ABC would make him press charges. And second of all, he’s a grown-ass man! Take responsibility for your what you do, own your mistakes, and apologize when you need to. That’s from the first chapter of Basic Decent Human Behavior 101. Don’t stick it to someone if you know you shouldn’t, and if you do it anyway, put on your big boy panties and apologize. // Quasi-feminist rant: over.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for yall. I watched it while wearing footsie pajamas and eating a giant bowl of soba noodles.
Carbs, junk TV, and frumpalicious fashion.
This is my life.
I hope we can still be friends.