My Big Fat Redneck Summer

One of the funniest blogs I read is ‘Sota is Sexy.  Seriously, Katrina is hilarious.  When posted this “Summer Goals” worksheet/fill-in-the-blank-doodad, I was smitten.  I love anything that has fill in the blanks and it meticulously categorized.  In one of my less-fine moments earlier this summer (let’s just say Jello pudding mix was involved and pants were not…), I realized that I’ve more-or-less become a beardless version of Willie Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my Southern heritage, so this was not necessarily a cause for shame.  It was, however, a perfect cause for me to dub the next few months “My Big Fat Redneck Summer.”


(Don’t worry, no inbreeding will be involved.  Rolling in the hay…well, that’s up for debate.  Just kidding, Dad.)

Eating  // all the things.  Especially chopped salads because those things actually make me want to eat vegetables.   And especially things that come out of crockpots (see “Cooking” below).

Drinking  //  sweet tea – made with stevia, because I love my Southern roots but I don’t love the diabeetus.  Also, my white-trash frozen-lemonade (ice, water, a few frozen berries, and half a packet of that fake lemonade powder, all blended up and then slurped down with an enthusiastic “Yeeeeehaww!”).

Practicing // creativity. Even though I’m very type-A and have OCD (translation: productivity and schedules are my jam) I also have a really strong creative bent.  I usually try to suppress those creative whims so that I can just “get sh*t done,” but no more.  There’s really nothing quite so soothing and soul-nourishing as creating something by hand, be it painting or cooking or dancing or playing or sketching or woodworking or whatever else you may choose.

Mastering //  handstands and muscle-ups.  Two skills that I never thought I’d be able to do, and lately I’ve realized that they’re a lot closer to my reach than I’d thought. Give me a couple months, and I’m going to make handstands and muscle-ups my beeyatch.

Learning //  to be more flexible.  In life and in my hips.  It’s a long process…as I often remind my dad, “I’m so tightly wound, I was basically born with a redwood tree up my ass.”  (Also learning to be less vulgar and more ladylike.  Again, it’s a long process…)

Trying //  to fix my sleeping patterns.  I always have these lofty goals of going to bed early so that waking up early doesn’t feel so much like hell…and then I get distracted reading or searching through PubMed or something else that’s fun but not as important as sleeping.  I’m always amazed when I look in the mirror after getting a proper 8-9 hours of sleep, so that should be motivation enough.  Apparently eye-bags don’t have to be a permanent part of my facial landscape.

Playing // on the water!  This is the first summer in a looong time that I’ve felt comfortable letting it all hang out  wearing a bikini in public, and I plan to make up for all the times that I avoided pool parties and boating and lake days for fear of people seeing what a chubster I was. (Spoiler alert: I wasn’t fooling anyone.)  Kayaking, paddle-boarding, and bummin’ like your regular old redneck river rat are all on the agenda.


More or less my vision for the summer…

Finishing //  my to-do lists.  This will be partly because I’ll be making them more realistic, and partly because I’ll start managing my time better.  But really, can you even beat the feeling of a to-do list with every single item check off??

Reading //  C.S. Lewis has long been a favorite, and I’m working my way through God in the Dock (which is really a collection of essays and articles rather than a single piece of work).

Remembering // the Truth.  Memorizing Scripture is such a powerful spiritual discipline, and one I working on doing more regularly.  Right now, it’s usually one short passage (just a verse or two) each week, but I plan to have a full chapter memorized by the end of summer.

Wearing // bikinis whenever it might be remotely acceptable. (see “Playing” above). Daisy dukes for the more formal occasions.

Cooking //  with a crockpot.  I’m on a crockpotting kick lately because you can cook anything in that bad boy!  Sweet potatoes, chicken, beans, applesauce, banana bread, brownies, casseroles, enchiladas, broths…everything.  Pure wizardry, I tell you.  I’m pretty much Betty Crocker-meets-Gandalf.  (Except for the time I put sweet potatoes in the crock pot before work, and came back 6 hours later to find that I’d forgotten to plug it in.  I was hungry and humbled.  And maybe swearing like a sailor. Maybe.)

Working //  in the trenches of corporate coffee and rocking my new green apron like it’s nobody’s business.  You want that iced upside-down caramel macchiato with half the pumps, extra caramel drizzle, soy milk instead of cow milk, and exactly 12 ice cubes?  No problem.

Traveling //  hither and thither.  My family has a couple camping trips planned, and I’m hoping to wrangle a girl’s weekend with some friends before autumn rolls around.  My most exciting travel will probably be from the backyard hammock to the refrigerator and back again.

Wanting // to chop my hair really short.  But first I have to do 2 things: grow it out long enough to donate; and decide whether short hair would really work with my face shape, which is “chipmunk.” (Seriously. I took a test in a Cosmo magazine.)



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