Am I the only one with an official countdown going for The Bachelorette premier?
The bachelors’ profiles debuted on ABC’s page this week, which means we’re pretty much obligated to pregame for the upcoming season by evaluating the
players contestants [many of whom may be players; time shall tell.]
To be clear, by “pregame,” I mean that we’ll grab ourselves some wine [Trader Joe’s $4 tempranillo always comes through in the clutch], put on our stretchy pants, and discuss the crazy cats who signed up to sail with Chris Harrison’s pirate ship.
Which is a pirate ship of looove, you know.
And not the floating bro-brothel it totally sounds like.
Although “the bro-brothel” has a catchy ring to it, don’t yall think? [Hey, Chris…what do you say to a spin-off?]
Moving on…let’s get to the goods. I mean, good stuff. What?
** Disclaimer: I may or may not have gotten giddy watching highlights from last season and the previews for this season. So I’m definitely not officially suggesting yall go spend an hour watching clips on abc.com. But if you do decide to do that, I would probably join you on the couch with popcorn. Just sayin’…**
Ben H is a software salesman from Denver whose biggest dating fear is flatulence and who wants his first date to be “hiking back to a quiet place in the woods where we can be alone.” Translation: “Let’s go somewhere no one can hear your cries for help.” [Still unclear whether his date would be crying for help because he’s trying to murder her or because he needs Gas-X or both…]
Ben Z is a fitness coach and lives 2 hours from me.
I have one word: DIBS?
Bradley says he would choose Tom Brady if he could choose to spend the day in the life of anyone else. Why? So he could “play an NFL game…get a taste of primetime football…then go home to Giselle.” I don’t know, brah, but I think things could get tricky with the whole suspension deal. I guess you’ll let us know?
Brady is an indie musician from Nashville with a serious fear of “explosive diarrhea.” His most outrageous accomplishment was when he “Hit a grand slam in the 9th inning with two outs against Wichita State in the 2004 Collegiate Regional Championships when I was playing with the Arkansas Razorbacks.” Not sure where we go from here, bud.
Chris is a dentist, which is obvious from looking at his teeth. He’s from my hometown, which earns him points, but is terrified of going on a date where “the girl tries to eat my food.”
Sorry dude – mama can put away some grub. If you can’t keep up, move along.
Clint reminds me of Buck, the golden retriever my family had when I was in high school – cute, earnest, good-hearted, and blonde. He’s a smart one [engineer] and likes Chuck Norris. How can we not root for him?
Corey’s first date fear is my absolute spit-wine-out-on-the-computer-monitor favorite: “Finding out my date’s really a dude.”
Something tells me that one may come from personal experience.
Cory has tattoos that he assures us are small [5 discreet tramp stamps are much better than one big one, right?]. The investment banker from NYC describes the Dalai Lama as “one enlightened cat.”
Daniel is a fashion designer from Nashville [represent!] who would love to be the Prince of Monaco for a day “because he has a baller life.” And with that, both of us are confused.
David, the adorable Florida real estate agent, is scared that he might be on a date when he runs into an ex and has to do damage control.
Just how many exes do you have to have for that to be a legitimate fear?
Ian is a beautiful man, but can’t stand being on a date with “someone that can’t hold a conversation.” Sadly, this probably eliminates yours truly, as I’m the current title-holder for “Most Socially Awkward Human Alive.” Our love would have been beautiful, Ian. Silent, but beautiful.
Jared is another dibs-worthy bachelor. He lists the old-school Superman movie among his favorites, volunteers at a summer camp for pediatric cancer patients, and sees marriage as “sharing my life with the person I love most until the day I die.”
My eyes aren’t leaking at all from such a raw human sentiment. Dry as California in this drought I tell you. No emotional leakage whatsoever.
JJ is a 32 year-old “former investment banker.” This prompts the natural follow up – what is your current occupation, bro? But, you know, he likes Lou Gehrig, Rocky, and the 1920s, so we can probably still be friends.
Joe must be my spirit animal, since his favorite movies are The Blind Side [first movie that ever made me cry] and American Sniper [do I really need to explain this one?]. Unfortunately, he’s scared of awkward silence on first dates…although my sweet spot is usually somewhere between “awkward silence” and “normal conversation.” Bringing up politics and asking about venereal diseases on the first date is more my style.
Johnathan is deathly afraid of women with bad breath, and he does his best “to always listen and attend to a woman’s needs. Not just in the bedroom…” Good to know, because my primary concern was his sexual prowess. On the other hand, he likes Sam Smith…We may just be soulmates.
Me and Sam, that is. Maybe Johnathan can be the manny for our musically-gifted [from Sam] tribe of badonkadonk-alicious [from me] angel babies [aka Beyonces-in-training]?
Josh, like Johnathan, is scared of women suffering from halitosis. Unlike Johnathan, he is an exotic dancer. And, you know, also a law student, but no one really cares what you do when you’re not greased up and dripping in body glitter, right?
Joshua is a man’s man – an industrial welder who admires Tom Hanks and loves The Hangover [although I would go so far as to say that anyone who doesn’t like Zac Galifinakis should not be trusted]. He also says his biggest date fear is “my mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow.” Mommy-issues just got taken to a whole…new…level…
Justin is adorable in the “college football player who volunteers at the soup kitchen and helps old ladies cross the street” kind of way. I dig it.
And when he asked who he’d like to be for a day, he responded: “Someone from a less-privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.” Can’t tell if I’m more moved by the self-actualized philanthropy or mutual love for hyphens/slashes/over-punctualization.
Kupah uses far too many capital letters, but that flaw is balanced out by that fact that he admires his mother for being a “single parent, lack of resources and education, and she raised two awesome, law-abiding citizens.” And he likes Mark Wahlberg, so that’s obviously a huge plus.
Ryan B co-opted his hairstyle from One Direction. Just need to get that out of the way first.
On the bright side, he’s apparently more athletic than the stereotypical boy-band-manchild. He says he once rode his bike from FL to CA for a dog rescue. The best part of that is picturing the ride back with the dog in the front of the basket, in earthbound-homage to the iconic scene from E.T.
Ryan M is a “junkyard specialist.” That’s his official occupation, folks. Is that politically-correct code for “garbage man,” or do they really have specialists at the junkyard? Has anyone ever actually been to a junkyard? Do they even exist? What if it’s all a big conspiracy?? [But he loves Wolverine, so we may end up being BFFs. Time will tell…]
Shawn B is a personal trainer from back east who bought and renovated an 1888 farm house with his father, which basically makes him Noah from The Notebook. I hate that movie, but I’m also female, so I have a solid appreciation for Ryan Gosling, so that’s pretty good news for Shawn. Shawn likes Blake Shelton, too, so we can jam out to new country and drink whiskey in our farmhouse. I mean, what? #sorrybrittandkaitlyn
Shawn E is an amateur sex coach from Canada. His ideal date includes something “exciting” during the day that “requires us to be strong together” followed eventually by time in “the hot tub or bath together. [Then] embracing and loving until sunrise.”
PS: his favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and he’s scared that he’ll shart in front of a lady on the first date. Would any of my single lady-readers like me to hook it up?
Tanner is refreshingly normal, handsome without looking like he belongs in a boy-band or Chippendale’s show, and isn’t worried about bodily [mal]functions on dates.
He appreciates a woman who “makes eye contact and holds conversation” and doesn’t get schnockered when he takes her out. And he admits that auditioning for The Bachelorette is one of the craziest things he’s ever done. Boy-next-door meet fangirl-from-internet.
Tony is a 35 year-old man from St. Lois who lists his occupation as “healer.” Not even on my crunchiest, most granola-y of days could I imagine what that means. Maybe he and Shawn E. work together? Maybe he’s the village shaman for his apartment complex? Maybe he grows and sells “medicinal” herbs? I’m betting he won’t be around long enough for us to find out.
Moral of the story?
Yall don’t want to miss out on this season!
And if you don’t have your Monday night uniform yet, go get yourself some #StagSwag and suit up!
Don’t forget to use the code MAGGIE10 for a discount exclusively for blog readers. 😉