Bachelorette 2015: Week 1, Part II

Let’s pick up right where we left off last night…

The girls are distressed as they wait for Chris to finish counting the roses.  (Really, how long does it take to count 25 roses?  Chris, you’re better than that.)

Kaitlyn is adamant about it: “My husband is in that room.  If I don’t get picked, it will be the worst thing in the world.”

This is a matter of semantics, I know, but I just want to point out that you have to actually be married to have a husband, you know.  So “your husband” is as much in that room as my imaginary friend is in the trunk of my car.  (Not in a serial killer way, I promise.)  And worst thing in the world if you don’t get picked? Really? THE WORST? What about global terrorism, or the tanked economy, or starving children, or ebola, or anything else? Nope, that’s all small potatoes compared to your love life.  If you don’t get picked, it’s like the poor kids in Guatemala will be lining up to sponsor YOU and send you letters.  I get that.

But don’t worry, impoverished Guatemalan children, you don’t have to worry about sponsoring a heartbroken American woman because Britt got dropped harder than Jennifer Aniston when Brangelina happened.

#TEAMKAITLYN rejoices!

happy kaitlyn

photo source: KGS blog

Surprisingly, Britt does not demand a recount or burst into tears on the spot.  But after she’s in the limo and the shock begins to subside, the ugly-crying starts.  (Of course, her ugly-crying is still way cuter than my pretty-crying, so I don’t really have room to talk.)  She mentions – between sobs – that “I never held anything back…” Maybe that’s the problem, babe.  But hey, good thing Tanner gave you tissues, right?

So back at the mansion, Kaitlyn is breathing into a paper bag (not really) trying not to pass out from excitement over being the Bachelorette and calling her mom (yes, really) to share the good news.  She seems surprised that she still has to do the rose ceremony and send some of the bros packing.

Do you not understand the duties of your revered position as America’s Bachelorette???

But whatever, she finally starts to pick up on it and heads inside to see the guys and announce the whole deal with how she’s staying and Britt is gone.

Pre-rose ceremony mingling:

Joshua and his welded rose  are pretty damn precious.  All that “heat and friction” paid off, I guess.  Except for that Kaitlyn didn’t give him a first impression rose, so it wasn’t an even trade.  But he didn’t seem to care, so I don’t know.  Maybe they do things differently out in Kentucky.

Tony seems upset by the fact that Kaitlyn is staying instead of Britt.  He says he is “…almost ready to go home and just dig my own well.”

Pardon me, but what the hell?  When I get frustrated, I don’t think, “Well dang, I’ve had it up to here. I’m fixin’ to go home and build a shed/plow a field/shear some goats/ or do some other random homestead chore.”


This post was originally written for STAG.

To read the rest, head over to the blog at!


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