Bachelorette 2015: Week 5

Can anyone else believe we’re already more than halfway through the season?  It sometimes kind of feels like it just started…but at the same time, it feels like we’ve been glued to the TV and drooling over these hotties forever.  Is this how parents feel about their kids growing up too fast?

Anyway, let’s get down to business and go over all the craziness from last night.

Picking Up Where We Left Off

So the show picks back up with Nick arriving at the hotel room.  Speaking of Nick, yall see the resemblance I was talking about last week, right?

nick and mr tumnus collage

The guys greet him like it’s some kind of boozy intervention scene – all of them somber and silent, holding their respective drinks as they sit clustered on one side of the room, letting him take a seat alone on the other side of the room.  No one says a word of greeting or cracks a smile, and the Southern side of me is dying over that.  Anyone else have the same reaction?  Sure, he’s a prick, but have yall ever heard of hospitality?  He’s a dude who likes the same girl as them.  It’s not like he’s a leader of Al Qaeda or a drug lord from Cuba.

Needless to say, it was surprising that they didn’t end up waterboarding Nick, or at least engaging in some kind of sadistic tickle-fest.  [Spinoff idea?]

Somehow, they all work things out enough that everyone is able to make it to the rose ceremony without significant bloodshed or psychotic episodes.

Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony being held at CitiField was kind of a cool twist on things.  JJ picking Kaitlyn up and running around the bases was another cool twist on things.  Any by cool twist, I mean amazing feat.  I’m looking at this from a semi-chubby girl’s perspective, so it’s doubly shocking to think that A) someone could pick her up, and B) someone would have the physical conditioning to be able to run all the bases while holding another full-grown human.  I mean, sure, she’s tiny, so maybe more like 0.75 of a full-grown human, but still.  I was wheezing just watching him run. If he had tried that with me, he’d probably crumple immediately.  If he didn’t, then he’d asphyxiate when he tried to run with me, and then he’d crumple…at which point I’d fall on top of him, break a rib, which would puncture his lung.  Now that would really be the most dramatic episode ever of The Bachelorette, wouldn’t it, Chris Harrison?

Anyway, Shawn has this heart to heart with Kaitlyn and calls her out on how inviting Nick to join the show doesn’t exactly reflect well on her.  She gets offended, because logic and consequences are offensive.  I get turned on, because Shawn’s clearly a smart cookie who could probably be talked into letting me eat cookies off of his abs.  [A fat kid can dream, right?]

Anyway, they finally get around to handing out roses, and everyone looks miserable because it’s clearly cold as all get out.  Then Kaitlyn announces they’re going to San Antonio Texas and no one is genuinely excited.  Who can blame them? They’re expecting Bali, or Japan, or really anyplace tropical and filled with geishas or concubines, and she decides to take them to a desert filled with biker gangs.  Close enough, right?

One-On-One: Ben

two steppin san antonio

photo source: My San Antonio

Ben gets picked for the first one-on-one date in Texas, and naturally they go to a  two-step competition, which is a win for everyone because we get to see him in plaid. There’s lots of talk about how dancing requires communication and brings people closer together, but you know what else does that, too?  Space exploration.  You don’t see any of these dates taking place in the flight simulator at NASA, do you?  [Although, would that not be the best? Someone get Chris Harrison in on that asap!]

Overall, it’s a nice date for them, but boring for us.  We don’t want to see you having a nice time and doing cute, normal/normal-adjacent things that any couple would enjoy.  We want to see you doing things like bungee jumping, rappelling down skyscrapers, or any other activity with a high likelihood of producing embarrassment, drama, and/or a psychotic break.  That is what reality TV is all about.


This post was originally written for STAG.

To read the rest, head over to the blog at!


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